Writing and Reading to Heal my Life

Taking a Break from Blogger

2011-07-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have decided to take a break from blogging for a while. I am trying to simplify my life and limit the time I spend on my computer to writing my novel. I may be back, or I may decide to take my writing in a new direction. Either way, I want to thank my followers and encourage them to start a creative writing project of their own. Whether it be blogging or journaling, never be afraid to speak your truth! And of course, never stop reading :)

Overstimulated and Mentally Fried

2011-07-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

My day started out the way it always does - I wake up, make myself a small pot of coffee, fix myself a grainy breakfast, and while my flax concoction soaks up the milk, I take an invigorating shower to wake up. I resolve to sit and write a page or so of my novel while I eat and sip my coffee. I do well for the first few paragraphs, and then I start to get distracted. I start to yak with my roommate or suddenly, I feel the dishes need to be washed. Next thing I know, I have wasted twenty minutes of time I could have spent focusing on my creative process. The minute I allow a lapse in my concentration, I lose my flow and I find it hard to re-engage that part of my brain. This propensity towards distraction is permeating every aspect of my life.

I tend to be an easily distracted person. I am constantly on the go and rely heavily on my day planner to keep myself straight. However, this propensity towards over-scheduling began to intensify when I bought my iPhone. All of the sudden, my friends became available to me 24/7 via text messaging and e-mail. I am plugged in at all times. Even when I am listening to my ipod, my messages buzz through and my phone calls interrupt my music or audiobook. I have a hard time ignoring my phone because I am always worried that I am going to miss an important message. It comes at a high cost to my mental health.

I had every intention of cultivating some "me" time today. I planned to spend a couple of hours reading and enjoying the outdoors. Instead, I felt rushed and glued to the constant barrage of messages flooding both of my inboxes. By the end of the day, I felt fried and unable to string two sentences together (I had to tell my friend that I would call her back tomorrow - I couldn't process what she was telling me I was so tired).

The day was not entirely a loss. I spent a lovely evening with my mum at Movie Monday, where we watched a documentary on Asperger's. The boy featured in the film was in the audience and we got a chance to see how well he is doing. I felt inspired, especially when he said "I don't even feel like I have it anymore". I hope one day to get to that place with my own mental illness.

I also had a great time in the GROW garden this morning. The physical labour was very grounding and I was able to stay present for the most part a I worked the soil and planted greens.

I did make it to the library and despite texting between chapters, I made it through half of my Zen of Eating book and I am starting to notice where my relationship with food needs work. I am also more aware of the negative messages I tell myself during the day and how often I still body check to make sure I have not ballooned up overnight.

This week, I am committing to myself to:

work on minimizing my distractions and to focus on one activity at a time
be present when I with people - I will be truly with them, not checking my messages or doodling in my day planner
only check my e-mail three times per day, once in the morning, once midday, and once before I go to bed
eat mindfully and not in front of my computer
I will make time for myself and not over-schedule my days
not allow myself to feel rushed. I will take my time to avoid escalating my anxiety

And above all, I will be patient with myself because this is a learning process!

Finally, I got some good news today. There is space for me in the yoga teacher training course so, come September, I will be working towards becoming a yoga teacher. I know this experience will be good for both my body image and my overall health and well being. Speaking of which, I am off to bed to enjoy another hour or so or reading and relaxation.

First Sweat of the Summer

2011-07-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

Wow, did it ever feel like a warm summer day today! We were so warm at work at that we had one of the gals run over to Seven Eleven to pick us up popsicles. It definitely made for awkward customer service. The store was busy today with a lot of tourists. I love when people first enter the store for the first time. They are always stunned by the sheer amount of books housed under one roof. A common comment is "there must be a million books in here!". Close. I believe last count was close to half a million, not including all the books our managers have at home, plus the stock over at Books on View. None of us have any excuse not to have something to read.

I picked up another book today on the zen of eating. I want to be more mindful when I eat. I am learning to listen to my hunger and fullness cues again now that I am nearing a healthy weight. It is difficult to make the transition to eating for weight gain to eating to maintain weight. If I am not careful, I can overshoot my mark and swing to the opposite pendulum (I do tend towards extremes). This mindfulness will hopefully transcend to all aspects of my life as I work towards finding balance. I am also going to look into meditation at the local Shambhala Centre.

I am going to start posting the book recommendations I get from customers every Sunday. Today, they were:

Crazy Ladies of Pearl Street by Trevanian
Diary for Nicholas by James Patterson
The Loch by Steve Alten

And a yoga book by a friend:

Wheels of life by Anodea Judith

After work, I had a scrumptious dinner of shrimp tacos with homemade guacamole and salsa, smoked salmon caught fresh, roasted potato, artichoke and bacon salad, and fresh watermelon. All this was prepared by my landlady and housemate. She is a fabulous cook and teaches me to eat outside the box. All five of us sat down and got an opportunity to get to know the newest member of our household. He is from Uganda and he told us about relationships worked in his country. Men have many wives and are encouraged to spread their seed, so to speak, in order to produce strong offspring. They have complete control, primarily through financial means, and move from house to house depending on which mate most suits their fancy at the time. If one of their women cannot produce children for them, she is shot or beheaded. The man owns the children and they become his sole property to control and raise. His own father had five wives. As he was sharing his amazing story, I got a better understanding of his own behaviour around the house. I had been annoyed with him recently because of how messy he was and how he seemed to pass off household responsibility to the rest of us. I can see now how having been raised a male in a highly patriarchal society, he would feel entitled to being "kept". Tonight gave us an opening into his particular paradigm and next Sunday dinner, we are going to have a discussion about what responsibility and respect looks like in our household so that we are all on equal footing. I think with time and patience, our household will evolve into one of mutual respect and understanding.

I went for a walk with my other roommate later on with his dog Guinness over to the park. I like getting into the routine of walking the dog before bed. It helps me digest and wind down for the evening. I will be devastated if he leaves. I would probably march down to the pound that afternoon and pick up a pup of my own! I find Guinness' presence so calming. Animals are such great healers.

Magical Day!

2011-07-24T00:17:00.000-07:00

Words can barely describe the day I had today. Everything was so serendipitous. I started the day off with a yoga class and made the decision to pursue my teacher training again. I had planned to do it last fall but got sick. Now that I am feeling stronger, I think it would be a great opportunity for me in re-establishing a healthy relationship with my body. I will also approach my practice differently now and not go to the extreme of becoming all consumed with a yogic lifestyle. I can incorporate my practice as part of a balanced lifestyle.

After class, I went to the Moss St Market with my mum and bumped into some old friends with whom I had lost touch because of destroying my cell phone a few months back. One of these friends was an old roommate. She is like a sister to me and now lives in Port Hardy. It was such good luck that I saw her and we spent a beautiful day together puttering around town and then dancing on the beach into the sunset.

Amidst my blissful afternoon, I got a phone call from another friend surprising me with a last minute invitation to the Rob Schneider show tonight. I had never been to a comedy show so I jumped at the offer. We met up for sushi and then I laughed until my insides were sore until just under an hour ago. What a fantabulous day!

It is as if the universe is rewarding me for all of my hard work and positive energy. I feel so blessed to be reconnected with people I hold so dear but in my madness lost connection with. I am so grateful for another chance to build on these relationships.

I love how I can be spontaneous and forgo plans I had for my day. I may not have gotten any reading done or cooked up the meal I had planned in the back of my mind, but the memories I formed today are beyond priceless and I believe I never would have had these encounters were I not open to them in the first place. Being healthy is the greatest gift.

New Media Links

2011-07-23T09:26:00.001-07:00

Check out fiver articles I posted on the media page. They all concern the decline of mental health services in BC.

Just a Short Note Tonight

2011-07-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching Confessions of a Dangerous Mind with my roommate. What a great movie! I knew nothing about the Chuck Barris story and now I am intrigued. I am going to hunt his book down when I get to Russell's on Sunday.

I had a few friends over for dinner tonight and both gluten-free recipes I cooked were successful. I am going to be a pro by the time I go to Hornby (my travel companion cannot have gluten, and a variety of other foods, so I am practicing my cooking skills so that I don't inadvertently kill her while we are vacationing).

Because I have been busier in the evenings, I may not get around to posting every night like I originally planned. I will try hard to get something down though. It helps me process what has happened that day.

The better part of my day was spent in meetings, first at GROW and then at VIHA. I treated myself to a visit to the library afterwards. I checked out more audiobooks because I am almost finished my Murakami book. I plan to finish up Call of the Wild tomorrow and then start on the Faulkner short stories. In my actual readings, I will be completing Still Alice this week, and continuing to read The Thief Lord. Children's literature is great to read before bed. It provides good fodder for my dreams :)

Yoga in the morning and then off to the Moss Street Market!

Slowing Down a Tad

2011-07-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

I listened to a fabulous interview done with Joan on CFAX regarding smoking cessation and mental health. She is working hard to help both inpatients and outpatients find healthy alternatives to smoking. I have been smoke free for over a month now and can say that the service she provides is invaluable. It is so hard to quit smoking when in a mental health crisis and it is especially hard to quit when inpatient. I live for my hourly "fresh air" breaks and the social circle I accumulated from being a smoker. My lungs feel so much clearer now and my anxiety has reduced significantly because I am no longer agitated when I haven't had my "nic fix". I can taste my food now and I can smell the roses. It was one of the best gifts I gave myself this year.

This morning, I sat in on a staff meeting with a group of nurses and shared my experience as an eating disorder patient on the unit. I spoke about what I found helpful and where I felt there could be improvements. All in all, it was an empowering experience and I hope I was able to answer some questions and perhaps change how the nurses relate to their patients. We are all so unique and the most important suggestion I could provide was that each nurse take the time necessary to thoroughly get to know their patients. Ask us what works for us, what we struggle with, how they can support us to achieve our goals, and above all, help us to cultivate an identity for ourselves apart from our illness. The reason I chose the Jubilee over a specialized unit is for the remarkable care and support I receive from the highly competent and empathic nursing staff. I also appreciate being around other patients who have similar but different issues. I get tired of focusing on the eating disorder all the time. It is nice to attend programming that encourages me to step outside of this persona.

I had a great meeting with my dietitian this afternoon. I am proud to say that I hit my goal weight and am now at the low end of healthy. If I keep up this momentum, I should be at a healthy weight for my height in about a month. It is hard to believe that just two months ago I was clinging to my life. I feel so lucky to be strong and hopeful today. I truly believe that I have nipped it in the bud this time. There is no going back - full steam ahead!

I was disappointed to learn that I am no longer able to volunteer on the unit. I did not realize that the hospital has a policy against patients returning to volunteer on the unit where they were formerly treated. This means that my book project may be in jeopardy. I do not want this project to fall through and will recruit an outside volunteer to manage the cart if I am not able to. If anyone is interested in getting connected to volunteer services, please get in touch with me. There are so many opportunities to help out on the unit. The patients really enjoy knitting and crocheting in the evenings, and love movie nights. I am sure that if someone offered to continue these groups, they would be received with open arms. There is an application and screening process, but the coordinator is lovely and not at all intimidating. It is a rewarding experience to work with the people at the PCC. I am sad to leave but know that the work that both myself and a few other nurses started will continue with the right helpers.

In the meanwhile, the best form of activism and advocacy I can do is through my writing. by writing my memoir and sharing my story with the world, I can help others heal and help caregivers be more effective healers. When I feel frustrated with systems, institutions, and bureaucracies, I turn to my craft to negotiate my way through the mire. There is no sense in my pushing so hard that I alienate the very people I need to be my allies in promoting change. But change takes time, I am realizing, and I need to be more patient. Rome wasn't built overnight right? I am going to take a step back, re-group and re-prioritize. I have been far too busy lately and I need more practice just being. Often the best ideas spring from stillness.

I began listening to After the Quake Harukai Murakami. I am enthralled and already through the first cd. Audiobooks are proving to be my salvation - they bring me out of my head and into my heart. It is a wonderful feeling.

Yogic Bliss

2011-07-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

I went to a yin/yang yoga class this afternoon and it was blissful. I have never felt my hips and hamstrings release so fully. I was almost able to get my nose to my knees during the seated forward fold. According to yogic belief, our emotions are stored deep in the hip joints. I hope this means that my writing tomorrow morning with more infused with feeling. I am still working on remaining present in class and quieting my monkey brain, and when my muscles are working hard to keep myself from toppling over, I am definitely not free to think about anything else. I am going to work up to going several times a week. It is food for my soul.

I had a positive meeting with my doctor today. He asked me to speak at the staff meeting tomorrow on the unit. Both himself and Yvanna are providing the staff with information on how to work with patients with eating disorders. He thought it would be helpful to have a former patient come in an provide a first hand account of what is helpful and what should be avoided. I hope I articulate myself well enough because I will be representing both past and future patients and I want the advice to resonate. This is all apart of my movement to better involve patients in their own care.

I started listening to Jack London's Call of the Wild today as I puttered around town and travelled to and from appointments. I never realized how much time I spend out and about - I got through half the book! Provided, it is not very long but 4 chapters in a day is an accomplishment. I am going to try Moby Dick after the Murakami book.

I am recounting my day backwards but so goes my brain today (one too many downward dogs I suppose). After spending the morning cooking at GROW, I met up with a friend at Moka House on Fort St, where I had a very good hot chocolate. It was definitely a close runner up to Espresso. We chatted for an hour about writing and reading and she helped me come to a decision around school for this fall. I am going to enrol in the English course so that I can take a creative non-fiction course in January. I am confident I will get the A I would have attained had I not dropped out prematurely last winter. It will be a relief to get it over with so that I can move on to bigger and better things and hopefully improve my writing quality in the process.

I had a lovely dinner tonight with my roommate Heidi and made myself an ice cream sundae for dessert. Because it is still a decent hour, I am going to attempt to watch one of the documentaries I checked out of the library about cooking. Tomorrow I am going to attempt to tackle a gluten-free peanut butter cookie recipe to bring to my knitting group. If it is a success, I will post the recipe.

Shopping, Picnics, and Ball Games, Oh My!

2011-07-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days where you were so busy that at the end of the day, looking back, you can't remember what you did in the morning? I am having a momentary lapse in my memory. I just got in from a night out watching my best friend kick butt at slow pitch and then celebrate at the 50-50 Pub with beers and fries. It was a chilly night - it felt more like October. I was all bundled up in a blanket and vest! Despite eating dinner beforehand and pub food, I was still hungry for dessert when I got home. My body is still used to eating a weight gain meal plan and my appetite these days is ravenous. I am feeling so healthy though and really loving being flexible with my diet so that I can spend time out with friends.

I decided to abandon Three Day Road in exchange for the young adult's novel The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke. It was suggested to me by a friend. I bought it for the book cart and have decided that since I feel I need some lighter reading, it was a good pick for the summer. The other book is beautifully written but the war scenes are just too much for me right now. I also plan on reading Philip Pullman's The Golden Compass and finishing the Harry Potter series. I will be bringing these with me to Hornby in August.

Speaking of which, I finalized my vacation plans. We found a beautiful three bedroom house by tribune Bay and will be spending the week of the 28th there. I am so excited. I plan on totally unplugging from my phone and internet, and just being in nature. I will bring my laptop so that I can continue to write, but I will be taking a break from blogging for the week. I want to devote my attention to being fully present and less distracted by technology.

So back to my day. I co-facilitated the community meeting on the unit. It was the longest meeting to date and we received lots of valuable feedback from both patients and staff. I am looking forward to doing more evening programming. This Friday, we are planning an open mike night. If anyone is interested in becoming a feature artists at one of these events, let me know. We are looking for volunteer musicians.

After the meeting, my co-leader and I went thrift store shopping, and then had a picnic in the park. We bought middle eastern food from Blair's Market on Pandora, which in our opinion has the best hummus in Victoria. The owner is a gem and a fine cook. We finished the morning/early afternoon at Koffi at Haultain Corners, where I had the second best hot chocolate in the city so far (the best is at Espresso on Tyee - I am becoming quite the foodie!). I then made my way out to Oak Bay to have tea with my mum on Willows Beach. It was sunnier and warmer then and the scenery was beautiful. I need to make more of an effort to get to the water more regularly.

I surprised myself by buying a bathing suit today. I shocked myself even more by being satisfied with my body when I looked in the mirror. This is a huge step in recovering a more positive body image. I feel so hopeful that I will reach a place of near full recovery. I am getting stronger and stronger every day. I meet with my doctor tomorrow. I am happy to have something positive to share with him.

I checked out a few audiobooks today from the library. I figure I can increase my reading capacity by listening to classic novels while I walk. I am working on The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes right now, and then plan to work on short stories by William Faulkner. This is where multi-tasking does come in handy!

Mercurial Weather

2011-07-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

I wish the sun would make up its mind to stay already! No more of this waffling between overcast and then blazing. Give us a few solid weeks of summer! I plead because I am a sun baby and want so badly for the weather to be warm enough to allow me to go swimming in the ocean when I get to Hornby at the end of August. It has been almost a decade since I have swum in the ocean and I feel like this is the year to start again!

It was a typical Monday morning for me. We went to the gardening plot this morning and planted 8 rows of greens. The rows we planted last week are already popping up. Pretty soon we will be awash in salad - mmm! The cherries had been picked over pretty well but I got to nibble on some gooseberries and Saskatoons. Not as good as the ones up north, but still pretty tasty. I am going to get a ladder some time this week and pick the cherries on my tree at home so that I can bake a cherry pie. Next year I will do a better job of containing the tent caterpillars that have overtaken the tree.

After homemade chili for lunch, I walked into town and sat at the library for a while. I am finally into my new book Three Day Road. It started off slow but it is finally getting interesting. I particularly love the medicine woman's flashbacks into her past as a young girl growing up in the bush. It makes me appreciate the nature around me and the quality of the food I put into my body. Reading about the periods of famine her people experienced leaves me feeling grateful for what I have and the people I have in my life. I couldn't imagine losing someone I love to starvation or the harshness of the elements. Even though I complain sometimes about how dirty our house is or the noise, I am fortunate to have a roof over my head.

I could have easily spent the whole afternoon in the library, but I was due to meet a friend for matcha lattes at Moke House, my home away from home. My buddy Morgan was working and I was happy to see him, because it had been weeks since we last spoke. He is my fiddling friend and I am hoping he joins the increasing roster of musicians I plan to bring on to the unit on open mike nights. He makes a stellar matcha, complete with whipping cream. Oh, and we mustn't forget the Hippie Bar. I think I could easily live off those things.

I got home with enough time to whip together some dinner and I packed it off to Movie Monday. This week's movie, You Don't Know Jack, was by far one the best I have seen. It was the story of Dr. Jack Kevorkian and it included actual video footage of his patients. I was worried it would be depressing and dark, but in fact there was a lot of humour incorporated and I had a few laugh out loud moments. All Pacino was phenomenal and Susan Sarandon played her supporting role well. I give it four stars easily. Another half star for the popcorn ;)

Tomorrow, I am co-facilitating the community meeting on the unit. I hope to become a permanent fixture there as a peer facilitator. Who knows, with enough positive peer pressure, VIHA may decide to formalize my position and pay me! I am forging new territory and am determined to be a pioneer in patient-led initiatives. It would be great PR for the Jubilee and a mutually beneficial arrangement.

A Day of Recommendations and Banana Goodness

2011-07-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

Work today was great. So many customers came in wanting recommendations. One lady picked up every book I suggested and said she was going to come back to see me specifically when she needed more. A young boy came in with a long list and said that he needed some good fantasy/sci-fi books to take back to Korea with him. I had to grab a well-read customer to help me out! I learned a lot from that encounter. Another guy came in and offered to to play at the open mike nights on the unit - Russell's is certainly the place to make connections! A woman with ADHD came in looking for books she could focus on for short bursts of time, so I took her down to the children's section and had fun pointing out all of my favourites and the ones I am planning on reading when am on Hornby at the end of August (I picked up the Eragon series and I really want to try to finish Harry Potter). The time flew because we were so busy. I barely noticed I was there for six hours, double what I am used to working.

On a whim, I decided to make banana bread when I got home. Aaron was around so I also made dinner for the two of us. I re-heated some homemade pea soup and whipped up a nice salad with blue cheese dressing and artichoke hearts. It was delicious and so much better given the company. I love eating with other people. Not that I don't enjoy my book characters as companions, but it can get a little nerdy (and lonely) night after night.

I am listening to Aaron practice guitar right now and am planning on taking the dog out with him later on before bed. I did not make plans tonight so I am going to get cozy and catch up on some reading. I have missed my "me time" in the evenings. I want to put a good dent into Three Day Road by Joseph Boyden. It is about an indigenous medicine woman who cares for her addicted nephew when he gets back from fighting in the first world war. I have heard nothing but rave reviews so I am eager to get into it.

Artsy Strolling

2011-07-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

I had a frustrating experience this evening. I blogged five paragraphs or so on my new iPhone and then proceeded to delete it all! I was distracted by the movie I brought to the unit tonight. I learned my lesson - no more multitasking! Focus on one thing at once, right? You'd think that with all the mindfulness training I have done, this would have sunken in by now. I am practicing non-attachment and re-writing as much as I can recall at this late hour.

I had such a fabulous evening out last night. We went to a pool bar and I quickly realized I am not adept at pool, however, I do have an aptitude for darts. I met a bunch of new people and tried chicken wings for the first time! Christine had fun, which was the most important thing since it was her birthday. We didn't get in until after midnight, so I was a little tired this morning.

I slept in an hour and a half later than usual so I didn't get as much writing done this morning as I would have liked. I did manage to make it to a yoga class at Barefoot Yoga Studio. I went on the recommendation of a friend. It was a blast. The class was called Chill Yoga and we jammed out to Bob Marley and Jack Johnson. My muscles shook from the strength required but my flexibility was impressive given how long it has been since I have done a decent practice. I am going to try to get to two classes per week.

It was pouring rain when I went into the class but it subsided when I finished so I zipped home for a quick bite and then cruised with a friend in her convertible to the Moss St Art Walk (we had to arrive in style to such an important event :) So much creativity! I was blown away by the talent. Since I am not a visual artist by any means, I appreciate what beautiful creations artists can concoct out of such simple and diverse materials. I am drawn most to the whimsical and fantastical, so faeries and gnomes caught my attention. I also love sculpture - my mum is a sculptor and was helping her teacher, David Hunwick, man his tent. I hope that next year she will be brave enough to enter as an artist. I am so proud of all the work she has done.

On our way through, we stopped at Fairfield Bicycles so that I could show my companion the bike I am planning on buying when I hit my healthy weight range. She encouraged me to take a test ride and am I ever glad I did. To say that riding again was exhilarating is an understatement. I was in rapture. It is true that once you learn how to ride a bike, you never forget. My legs trembled with excitement and I could easily have ridden off into the hills and never come back. When I returned grinning from ear to ear, my friend suggested that I put a deposit on the bike so that I could secure it and so that I have something tangible to work towards. After running it by my mum later, I have decided to try to reach my goal weight by the end of August so that I can purchase my bike and start cycling again in September. I can't wait to meet with my dietitian on Thursday to plan out my weight gain plan.

It took us four hours to wind our way up and down Moss St. The only items I bought were used books (surprise surprise). We parted ways so that I could meet a blog follower for coffee at Moka House (my second visit there today) and I had a great chat with another fellow comrade in recovery. It is so encouraging to find others who have been successful in overcoming their eating disorders. I can't wait to be able to confidently say that I am through the worst of it and am basking in the light of recovery.

Tonight, I helped facilitate the movie night on the unit. We made popcorn and rice krispy pops, and we watched StarDust. It was a bit weird at first, being a volunteer as opposed to a patient. But when I was able to share with everyone how well I was doing and show them that there is hope of recovery, I felt affirmed in my decision to get involved with programming. Having activities to do in the evening can make a world of difference for patients stuck in the unit over the weekend. And I think it adds an extra touch to have a former patient who is doing well helping to run the group. I didn't leave until after 10:30pm, which is why this post is so late. I have a feeling late night postings are going to become the norm.

Because I have been so busy lately, I have had less time to read. I am falling behind on my fiction reading, so tomorrow evening I am going to stay in and try to set aside a few hours to myself. I will also write for an hour tomorrow morning before work when my mind is fresh after a good night's rest.

STAR Treatment

2011-07-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

I had a great morning. After stuffing myself with popcorn and vanilla covered almonds while watching an old black and white movie with two friends, I passed right out and slept through the night. I woke up a little drowsy but alert enough to prepare myself a nice bowl of cereal and plunk myself down in front of my laptop for almost an hour. I got 1000 words written this morning! I love working from home in the mornings. An early start allows me to get a good chunk of writing done and not feel rushed getting to my next appointment.

I made my first appearance in two months to the STAR group. We talked about how we perceive others and what they perceive about us in different social situations. This month, we are focusing on communication. Our goal is to strike up conversations with strangers in an effort to refine our social skills. It all boils down to approachability and the use of body language. I will be more likely to introduce myself to someone who makes eye contact with me and who is open in their stance. I often sense a sort of energy field around people and can "feel" whether or not they are someone I want to engage with. I talk to pretty much anyone these days. I see each person I meet as a book in and of themselves. Some books I can read from cover to cover, others I never get past the first page. It all depends on the book (or the person in this metaphor). My life revolves around books and people!

After group, I went for coffee with a friend I had lost touch with over the past couple of weeks. It was great to reconnect. I realize I need to be more mindful of maintaining my relationships when I get busy and distracted. My life has become quite packed and it will be a challenge for me to balance my obligations and responsibilities with time I need to relax and be with friends and loved ones. I need to strike a balance, which is something I have struggled to do in the past. I can't afford to allow myself to get run down again.

Speaking of balance, I am going out with my roommates for beer and pool tonight. I have never been to the Strath Hotel before. I put my jeans on for the first time in weeks and they are actually snug! I have a bit of a behind now :)

Home Sweet Home

2011-07-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

I am finally settled back into my place. It took me over an hour to unpack all of my things (i.e. all of my books) and it involved rearranging of furniture. I now have a desk in my room! Though, I think I would prefer to write where there is more light. The dining room table is much brighter and more spacious. I am looking forward to getting back into the routine of having coffee and breakfast while I write.

I went to my book club this afternoon. We are two weeks from finishing Still Alice and then we will need another book. However, this time we would like to choose something more uplifting. Anyone have any suggestions?

My brain is pretty fried from all the hubbub of the day. I am going to unwind at the unit's knitting group and then I am having some friends over to watch a movie and eat popcorn. I hope it doesn't take me too many days to start sleeping soundly at home. My roommate has gone camping so it should be nice and quiet.

GROW tomorrow, a DOTS meeting and then out with the gals tomorrow night for Christine's birthday!
If anyone is interested in getting involved in the DOTS campaign, meet us at the Bay Center Restaurant on the 5th floor at 3pm on Friday (tomorrow).

Surprise!

2011-07-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

Despite eating a large dinner and double my normal snack, I still lost weight today. Not much, but I was still hoping to hit my target range. My doctor and dietitian met with me and asked me what I wanted to do. I told them that I wanted to go home at some point and I guess they felt that because my weight seemed to be stagnant that that some point would be tomorrow. I understand that they are pressed for beds right now and that to keep me in would probably be futile because of how active my lifestyle is, but it still came as a shock. It was only two days ago that we were discussing my leaving next week sometime. I wasn’t prepared. Luckily, I have an arsenal of helpful friends in my coffers and a few generous ladies picked up all my books for me and deposited them on my front porch while I enjoyed a lovely lunch at Octavio’s with my mum in Oak Bay (I highly recommend their cured meat sandwich with figs, pears, strong cheese, and almond slices on a whole wheat Panini). Another friend picked me up after dinner and helped me carry the rest of my belongings home. I plan to leave after lunch tomorrow in time for my book club in the afternoon.

The book we are reading, Still Alice, is progressing to reveal the protagonists rapid decent into the throes of her Alzheimer’s. She is growing increasingly forgetful ad becoming more reliant on her family for care. One of my closest family members made me swear to shoot him before he ever becomes dependent on another person in his old age. While death by bullet wound is a bit extreme, I am not sure I entirely disagree with his perspective. Would I still want to live if I didn’t recognize my loved ones and was completely dependent on a twenty-four hour care aide? How would I spend the time I do have all of my faculties intact? Thinking about the finite nature of life leaves me questioning the quality of my current lifestyle. I am very grateful to have had this hospital experience. It woke me up and made me realize that I was essentially wasting precious time destroying myself when I could have been basking in the love people were trying to shower on me and giving them equal if not more amount of care and affection back. Starting today, I am making a commitment to sticking to my goal of restoring my physical health and maintaining my recovery, no matter what. As my best friend Amanda and I used to say to each other, “Whatever it takes!”

After lunch, I met a co-worker, Jeremy, for coffee. He and I discussed my book proposal and he helped me refine my metaphor to better suit my story. I am going to keep it to myself for now until I have more written. My memoir feels like a seedling waiting to be nurtured and I intend to nurture it every morning for the next year until it is complete. I hope to publish it by next September and Jeremy has very generously offered to be my editor. I am honoured because he is a prolific author and I have a lot of respect for his expertise He is the very first person I ever met at Russell Books many years ago and he left such a lasting impression that I vowed to myself that should I ever move to Victoria, I would seek employment at his bookstore. Years later, I now work alongside him. Amazing how life works out.

It is my last evening on the unit and my room looks void and empty without all my books. I wonder if I will be able to sleep. I foolishly took the novel I am reading home because I didn’t think I would need it after how pooped I was feeling earlier. I should have known better.

Beginning to Live the Writer’s Life

2011-07-12T22:09:00.001-07:00

I woke up half and hour earlier this morning. I am trying to get into the practice of writing for half and hour after my shower in the morning, working up to an hour over the coming weeks. I want to make it a habit regardless of whether I feel inspired or not. I need to train my brain to identify as a writer. It is a muscle that is long over due for a vigorous workout. If I can’t be in the gym, then I will exert myself creatively! I borrowed Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg from my mother, based on recommendation from a co-worker and published author. I am meeting him tomorrow for coffee to discuss how he can help me as I work towards publishing a memoir. Also, I picked up The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I tried to read this workshop formatted book but got overwhelmed. I am ready to try some of the exercises now. My mum helped me develop a metaphor to start working with this evening. I will post more as I develop my idea over the coming days. It is still a bit too fresh for me to share right now but I feel I am finally on the right track.

I met with the Dean of English today at Camosun and it looks like I will have to re-take the English course I dropped at the beginning of this year. I feel disappointed but I accept it as a consequence of my impulsive decision to withdraw without consulting any of my advisers. Taking a rudimentary course will be good for me in the long run and hopefully low stress as I slowly re-integrate back into the world of academia. I am looking forward to taking creative non-fiction in the winter.

Because I did not make my weight on Sunday, I will not be going home this Friday. I will, however, get a pass home for the weekend and I am excited because I have some fun activities planned. Heidi and I are taking Christine out for her birthday on Friday night to Vista 18, a swanky bar on the top of a posh hotel downtown. I have never been and it has been eons since I’ve dolled myself up. I can’t wait to dance! On Saturday, it is the Moss Street Paint In, which is a day-long event that continues into the night with free concerts and yummy food. And finally, on Sunday, I will be working my first full shift at Russell’s. I am going to be pooped!

But that is three days away and I am getting ahead of myself. Tomorrow is a big day also because it is another weigh day and it is rounds, where my doctor and dietitian meet to discuss my progress. I am hoping they will rewards my hard work by allowing me to go out to lunch with my mum afterwards because I really don’t feel like eating another frozen pizza. Mum and I are planning to go to Octavio’s in Oak Bay.

I had dinner with mum tonight (bison burgers - mmmm!) and we had a good chat about some difficult struggles my family is going through right now. She helped me map out what eat member needs in order to stay healthy and we posted these on her wall as a reminder of staying true to ourselves while also being supportive to each other. It is a fine balance for both of us between care giving and maintaining our own health and well being.

I have written a lot tonight and I realize that I still want time to delve into my new books. I planted myself under a tree this afternoon and finished the section of Still Alice for my book club on Thursday. I will post more on that tomorrow when I am more alert.

A Pioneer in Patient-Led Initiatives

2011-07-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Last week, I put a proposal forward to the day program I attend for a writing group that I would co-facilitate once a week. This week, I met with the staff member who would be co-leading with me and it looks like it will be a go in a few weeks once we get organised. One of my "work" goals for The Happiness Project is to find some support for my writing, either in the form of a partner or a group. After today, I have achieved both. I have another meeting on Wednesday with a gentleman who I hope will become one of many writing partners I hope to engage support from over the coming months as I piece together my novel. I believe it is important to have many different perspectives critique my work in order to ensure I can appeal to all audiences. I want to write a book about recovery from anorexia. What I would love to know from my readers is :

What would you like me to write about?
What would you find helpful in a memoir about anorexia?
What questions would you ask someone in recovery from anorexia?
What areas of this issue have remained untapped?

I am at a loss for where to start and how to structure my story. I have been checking out numerous books from the library on writing in order to find some sense of direction. So far, I am feeling inspired but what I am reading but overwhelmed by sheer task of what is ahead of me. I need to scale back and focus on the process, not the end product.

I am feeling positive about the last week on the ward. Patient morale is at a high - we have not even had to use the isolation room. I am encouraged by the staff's attempt to create a sense of community. Last week alone, we had a knitting circle, an open mike night, and a movie night. The turn out for these events was great and the nurses hosting the events even went so far as to bring their own home baked goodies. My hope is that these activities become permanent weekly events and draw the favourable attention of organizations like The Patients' Association (www.patientsassociation.ca). Once my book program is officially running, I am going to try to get some media coverage for it (like my friend Avi and his Bookmobile - see media/news page).

My recent article in the paper drew quite the attention and VIHA management met with me today to discuss possible solutions to the concerns I raised. They are open to my suggestions and plan to bring them forward at the next staff meeting. I finally feel like I am making an impact and that the voices of my peers are starting to be taken seriously. I have a Committee Meeting this Friday and I will continue to advocate for positive change.

This evening, I attended Movie Monday and watched a great documentary called "Fresh" about the future of food security in the world. After viewing disturbing images of industrial food production and seeing how much more sustainable and humane local and organic farming is, I am going to look into getting a Good Food Box again. I also plant to more regularly attend the Moss Street Market and buy fresh produce from its source. I did, however, enjoy the buttery popcorn and Bounty Bar I ate during the film. A girl's gotta have some vices right?

I am tired tonight from a packed day and a little anxious about a meeting I have with the Dean of English at Camosun tomorrow. I am hoping to get an opportunity to challenge the exam to a course I dropped when I was ill. I don't want to have to repeat it. Wish me luck...

Happy PRIDE Day!!

2011-07-10T20:07:00.001-07:00

I was up late again last night reading. I could have read all night. My book club is back on to Still Alice this week so I got to resume my fictional reading. This book raises some controversial issues. If you knew that Alzheimer’s could be identified in a blood test and that you have a 50% chance of having the genetic mutation, would you get tested? Would you want to know and live your life constantly being aware of early signs that you are getting sick or would you prefer not to know and live your life with a gnawing fear that one day you might lose your memory. Tough call. I think I’d rather not know. I guess it would be different depending on how old I was. I might want to know if I was planning on having children. But I know that my children will be predisposed towards mental illness – should this stop me from trying to have my own family? Should my mum have not had me because of our family history? Who has the right to qualify one’s quality of life? It’s a tricky line of questioning…

I decided last night that I am going to start trying to write as opposed to type during the day because that way my writing is portable and I have no excuse not to write. I find at the end of the day, I feel like I have run out of time to write when I easily could have written while I was sitting in the park or having a coffee downtown. I have become too reliant on my computer. I am planning on taking a vacation at the end of the month and cutting myself off from technology. I need to be well into manual writing by then in order to remain true to my commitment to write every day.

Today, I had a blast at my first Victoria Pride Parade. It was definitely smaller than the Toronto one I am used to but it was equally as vibrant and energetic. I marched with some of my closest friends in the Camosun space. After our hour-long march, we relaxed at MacDonald Park and toured the various different stands. Our favourite was the presentation put on by the Foreskin Awareness Tent for “adult audiences only”. Need I say more? I am sad I missed the drag show but I wasn’t up for the beer garden today.

A few of us went for coffee in my old stomping grounds – I used to work at James Bay Coffee and Books. I ate my favourite cookie in town and got a chance to see some of my old customers.

On the way back to the hospital, Saila and I stumbled across a Mariachi Band at the Mexicana Festival. All in all, I’d say we had a pretty packed and exhilarating day!

I didn’t quite make my goal weight but I am still close enough to warrant discharge on Friday. I can’t wait to go home!!

Connecting the DOTS

2011-07-09T19:39:00.001-07:00

I didn’t get the greatest sleep last night. For some reason, my meds just wouldn’t kick in the way they do back on the unit. I was probably just nervous being back home. The memories I have of 6 weeks ago are anything but positive. I will have to work hard to re-create a positive living environment. It has to begin with me feeling comfortable being in my own company. I am so used to being surrounded by people that I get lonely at night by myself. I stayed up late talking to Heidi. I am so glad we are building a strong friendship. She has such good body image – I hope one day to feel even half as good about my body as she does about hers.

After a fitful sleep, I stayed in bed an extra hour and relished in my ability to fix a homemade cup of coffee. Heidi decided to come to the DOTS meeting with me so we walked downtown to have brunch at the Bay Center Restaurant, where the meeting was held.

It was a joy to finally meet Jean. I am so inspired by her upcoming rally and feel honoured to be apart of the organizing committee. Our goal is to find 1200 people to be human dots, which will line up from the Royal Jubilee to the Legislature and pass along a box of letters and personal testimonies up to the steps of the house. The rally is being held in an effort to advocate for better mental health services in BC. If you are interested in being a human dot, please follow the link I posted in my last blog. Also, if you know of any organizations to whom we could apply for sponsorship, please get in touch with either myself or Jean a.s.a.p. because we are in need of financial assistance.

I went straight from the meeting to work, which was fun as usual. One of my co-workers is going to help me get my memoir manuscript ready to publish and help support me along the writing process. The book I mentioned I am reading in the previous entry by Mary Pipher is giving me great examples of writing to provoke critical thinking and promote social change. I really feel that journalism is one of my life’s callings. My article came out in the paper today and while it still makes me nervous to be so forthright and vulnerable, I know that by speaking my truth I am also helping those who are unable to speak for themselves. As they say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and I will not go unheard.

Tonight, we have organized a movie night. One of the nurses brought treats and we are watching a fluffy film, Waitress, with Keri Russell. Tomorrow is the PRIDE parade and I am looking forward to another day in the sunshine.

First Pass Home!!

2011-07-08T22:30:00.000-07:00

I had about as perfect a day today as I could have asked for. I started my day off with Qi Gong after breakfast and got a good chunk of writing in between short nature walks with good friends. The time passed by quicker than I expected and soon enough I was off on my first overnight pass!

On the way home, I stopped to drool over the bicycles at Bicyclitis (it is dangerous to have a bike store so close to home...). When I hit a BMI of 18, I am going to buy myself a new bike with all the trimmings :) After settling back into my room, I make the trek downtown and decided last minute to pop into work to look for a book for one of the patients who is struggling with concentration right now. Boy am I glad I did because it just so happened that the whole Russell Books crew was headed out for dinner together to wish farewell to one of our own. They eagerly implored me to join so I changed my plans with my friend Russell (not the owner of the bookstore) last minute and invited him along. Over 20 of us crammed into Bart's for a scrumptious dinner. I had a veggie burger with a Caesar salad and a icy cold Sleeman's. It was so nice to re-connect with my co-workers. It felt like one big family dinner. I was sad to sad goodbye to Ellen but I am excited for her upcoming backpacking tour of Europe (and a wee bit envious too ;)

Russell and I went for a walk along the water and then stopped at Marble Slab for dessert. I ate a Sunday the size of my head that was heaven in food form. I haven't eaten something that decadent in eons. We strolled along to Beacon Hill Park, catching up and pondering the complexities of the human condition. He is one of my favourite people to talk to because he brings such a unique perspective and challenges me to expand my mind. As the sun started to set, we parted ways at his car downtown and I walked the rest of the way home, chatting to Amanda the whole time.

I am now sitting in our massive lazy boy chair with my laptop in my lap after having taken a bubble bath - I was frozen after the nippy walk. I will read for a little bit and then sleep in my bed for the first time in almost two months.

Tomorrow, I have decided to forgo the Moss Market in order to attend the DOTS campaign meeting. Check out their website for more info:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/DOTS-BC-or-Development-of-Treatment-Services-BC-DOTS-bcdotsgmailcom/214688638551990?sk=wall

I want to collect info for the people in the ward. The more people we can get involved, the better.

I also have an opinion piece being published in the paper tomorrow. I am nervous about how the public and hospital staff will react. It is out of my hands now. I can only pray that my message will reach the people who can change the current trajectory of mental health services in this province.

Re-Filling My Tank

2011-07-07T18:31:00.001-07:00

It is easy to feel depleted by the end of a busy week. I feel like I have been bouncing all over the place, my mind involved in so many difference activities that by the end of the day I barely know my own name. It is amazing to see the world opening to me as I step more and more into my new-found passion for writing and advocating. Any fears I had of not having enough to do when I leave the hospital have been forgotten. While I am excited at the numerous prospects awaiting me, I am aware of the need to find activities that help me reboot and replenish my energy stores.

One such activity is my weekly book club. Sadly, last week I was unable to go and I certainly felt the void. Today, however, I was adamant about going and I am so glad I did. This month, we are focusing on the “work” chapter and looking at how we can better what we consider to be our vocational lives. We spoke about what we were passionate about and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that we all, at one point or another, love to write. It was so beautiful to see each woman’s eyes light up at the mention of putting pen to paper. It looks like my writing circle might just be a successful venture! I feel so positive after spending this time with such a powerful, strong group of female role models.

I am feeling frustrated today. The rules on the unit change every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I can’t keep them straight! One minute, we are allowed to go outside at our discretion (we are voluntary patients after all) and the next, we can only go out on the hour. Also, we used to be able to keep our food in the patient fridge. Now, because I guess some patients can’t read labels properly, we have to keep them locked away behind the nursing station. We are once again at the mercy of the staff. There must be an easier system.

Tonight, Karen is coming in to offer a “sit and stitch” group; we are going to learn to knit slippers. Lack of evening programming has caused some of us to be inventive in developing interesting activities for people to do. In fact, this weekend is shaping up to be a lot of fun. Joanne and I are hosting another movie night this Saturday and on Sunday, Karen is emceeing an open mike. Who would’ve thought this place could be so happening?

Goal Reached, One Week to Go!

2011-07-06T18:28:00.001-07:00

I met my nutritional requirements this week and I am on track for being discharged on Friday next week. I have already made plans to go out and celebrate with my roomies (it’s one of their birthdays too so we are doubling up the fun!). Every day I am feeling more and more at home in my body. I feel stronger and healthier. The work I have been doing with my doctor around body image has been helpful in refocusing my attention on what my body can do for me versus how I look.

Because of my success, I was granted my first overnight pass on Friday evening. I am planning to treat myself to dinner out with a good friend and possibly some music afterwards if we can find a free gig downtown. I want to walk along the water and watch the sunset over the oceans and distant mountains. I have missed ending my day down at the beach. Summer is finally here and I have so much to look forward to now that I am healthy enough to enjoy it all.

I spent this afternoon downtown with my roommate Heidi. I splurged for iced capps (made with 2% this time J ) and we went birthday present shopping for Christine. We also dropped into the library, where I picked up a neat book called Writing to Change the World by Mary Pipher, the same woman who wrote Reviving Ophelia. I feel like this book was written for me and I can’t wait to start it once I am finished with Voluntary Madness. I am at the part where she is done at the private clinic and has signed up for an alternative healing center. This is the center that she feels was the most helpful because they veer away from Western medicine psychiatry. I have been devouring this book because I am anxious to find out what helped her in the end – perhaps I can incorporate some of her wisdom into my own treatment plan.

I also took out another book on freelance writing. I would like to see if this is an area I can break into but I am clueless as to how and where to begin. If there are any freelance journalists out there willing to share their know-how, I would be very eager to pick your brain. I could really use some guidance.

I was supposed to go to a support group tonight but the weather is just so beautiful that I feel I could better benefit from some eco-therapy versus ego-therapy (aka. an evening in the park with my book). I just can’t get enough of this sun! There is another process group happening tonight on the ward a little later so I will get the best of both worlds.

Up To the Challenge

2011-07-05T18:25:00.001-07:00

As much as I was dreading spending the day on the ward, I actually managed to focus and get a lot accomplished. I have been feeling a bit distracted lately and unable to concentrate on my memoir. Last night, I was able to work on a therapy assignment for over an hour and I experienced the same this morning when I sat down to write a response to a negative encounter I had this morning. It felt great to process it with my words instead of just getting huffy and going for a fast paced walk. By the time I finished with the piece, I had calmed down and was able to see the individual with more patient and understanding.

The weather is gorgeous out and I made sure to spend most of my free time outdoors. My friend Kay and I went sunbathing in the park and my other friend Sabine came to visit and we sipped iced capps out in the Zen garden. I haven’t had one of those in years. I am tackling my food fears head on these next few weeks. Pizza tomorrow! I want to make sure I can handle social situations when I leave here. I don’t want to be the awkward one that orders a salad with dressing on the side.

A sad note tinged my otherwise happy day today when I found out that my best friend Amanda is currently in PES on a 48-hour hold. My heart bleeds for her. I hate hearing her so sad. I am going to bring her coffee tonight and give her a great big hug. Please say some prayers for her.

Tonight, I am going to go home to pick up some summer clothing because I think we are finally getting some real summer weather! My nose is all pink from spending so much time in the sun. I can’t wait for my pass this weekend. I hope the weather holds.

Feeling a Little Crispy…

2011-07-04T16:48:00.001-07:00

Hooray for weather above 20 degrees! It was so nice to go outside for my morning coffee without a sweater. I am nice and pink-cheeked from lying in the sun reading both yesterday and today – one of my absolute favourite past times. My mood is so affected by the light. On gray days, I have to force myself to make the trek downtown and then I will spend the day at the library or doing a used bookstore crawl because being around books is often the only activity that snaps me out of my depression. Writing is becoming another handy tool at alleviating my anxiety and I am looking forward to spending days down at the beach with a day pack and a journal.

I had a lovely visit last night with Kaye. We walked to three of my favourite gardens and she let me try out her camera. Given my technological ineptitude, I was easily amused and I think I could see myself picking up photography as a hobby once I can afford a camera. I also discovered today that I love the texture and feel of clay under my fingers. My mum invited me over to the end her sculpting class and while she packed up her things, I became mesmerized with smoothing out the lines in one of her pieces. Her instructor invited me to the drop-in class on Friday so I am going to try my hand at a visual art – not my forte. I may also try Kaye’s weaving class. I used to knit once upon a time ago (when I was on bed rest and had exhausted my concentration on reading). Perhaps there is some dormant creative bone in my body just waiting to be aroused.

I went to my gardening group today. I can’t wait to get home and practice the skills I am learning in our little infant garden. The tomatoes were just starting to turn a little pink the last I was there so I am hoping that by the time I get home, there will be some juicy ripe ones – I can eat them like apples J One of the first things I am going to do when I spring free is take a morning or afternoon to myself, strap on my iPod, don short and a tank and go to town in the yard. Oh, and nurse a frosty beer followed by a well-grilled salmon steak on the BBQ. Ahh summer.

Movie Monday tonight! If you are lacking something to keep you occupied on this fine Monday evening, make the journey down to the Eric Martin Pavilion theatre for a free movie and cheap tasty treats! One Week staring Joshua Jackson is playing and there’s bound to be a great crowd!

Just Another Manic Sunday (nope, not Monday)!

2011-07-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday was busy today at work! The time just flew. It seemed that each time I turned my head there was a customer waiting to be helped or the front desk bell beckoning me to the cash register. Before I knew it, my time was up and I would turn into a pumpkin if I didn't boogie back to the unit. I managed to save just enough time to lounge in the grass before heading back up.

I am really enjoying my new book. Her experience in the state mental health center is shockingly similar to some of my own experiences and I think it is a must read for any mental health professional in order to understand the patients' perspective.

Tonight, I am having a fellow book club member come visit and then I need to get organized for the week coming up. Unfortunately, I missed my weight target so I will likely have to make adjustments to my meal plan to compensate for all the extra energy I am burning by being out in the world again. Living is hard work!

Halfway Through and Loving Being Back!

2011-07-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

I was up late last night so it was an effort to drag myself out of bed this morning. Even though I posted earlier, I totally forgot to mention my movie night I hosted last night here on the ward. I rented A League of Their Own and purchased chips, popcorn, and pop and I managed to get half a dozen patients or so to join in the Canada Day festivities. Only one other woman and I remained after 11pm to finish the movie but I was thrilled that anyone showed up at all. It was my first attempt to bring people together for a night of entertainment. I am going to do it more regularly until usually movie man Bruce comes back. We miss him!

Today was the midday of my work week. I am loving being back and I was so happy to see our master book recommender Jeremy today. He is an older English bloke and a real man of the book. Whenever my co-workers and I are stumped for ideas, we love being able to defer to someone who can give such a detailed account of a plot line. I sometimes pretend to shelve where he is standing just so that I can hear some of his ideas for my own reading pleasure.

My mum surprised me after work and walked with me down to the beach. We sat and watched the waves and the paragliders, wishing we had the guts to do something so daring.

My friend Marilyn came by for a visit this evening and brought me a book called Voluntary Madness, about a girl who checks herself into several mental hospitals in order to do immersion journalism. Sounds interesting. Kind of like what I am doing... Marilyn has by far the coolest job in the world as a librarian. I guess I will pretty soon too if my prayers are answered!

Happy Belated Canada Day!

2011-07-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

I was so busy yesterday that I forgot to write! It was my first day back at work and I really enjoyed being back among my co-workers and most of all around all of the books. I find shelving calming and I particularly enjoy the customer service aspect of my job. It makes my day to help someone find what they are looking for. I am working today and tomorrow from 12-3pm. Pop in and say hi if you are downtown :)

Canada Day was a blast and I got a last minute invite to a Fairfield neighborhood potluck. The food was delicious and I met an eclectic mix of people. After dinner, I took a stroll down to Dallas Rd. to breathe in the salt air and take in the beauty of the ocean landscape. I can't wait to be discharged from hospital so that I can have the freedom to spend more time by the water.

My goal this coming week is to procure space for my book collection. I am working on taking over some space at the old building to convert into a patient library. This way I can both store my book cart and create a space where people can come and relax. I could even use the space as a workplace from which I can do my writing. I want to get into freelance journalism on mental health issues. I am hoping to partner with some local media in my vision of being a part-time columnist in this subject area. I many not have a degree but I believe my lived experience is just as valuable and informative.

It is shaping up to be a beautiful day outside. I am looking forward to a great day at work and a visit from a friend this evening.

A Positve Note

2011-06-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

I am so pleased that my interview was positively received by the staff here on the unit. My goal was to make recommendations without sounding overly critical and it would appear that this was achieved. I found some time today to sit down and write an article about my life here on the new unit and I hope it will as well received as my interview when it is published in the Times next week (I will let you know when).

Today, I spent the day on the unit. I have for days of passes coming up so I tried to appreciate the down time. My mum stopped by with some Canada Day paraphernalia, which I passed out to the other patients. We will all have red flag tattoos on our face come morning.

Tonight, I am expecting some visitors and I will probably attempt to brave the elements and take a short walk around the property. I am trying to get myself to relax and read some of my book I keep meaning to finish. I get so easily distracted these days.

I am am back at work tomorrow an all through the weekend. For those of you who don't know, I work at Russell Books downtown and I love it when people pop by to say hi. I work upstairs in the fiction department so feel free to pop in and say hello, or come ask for help finding a good. It makes my day to help people find something they can enjoy reading.

I am hoping to see Fred Penner sing at the legislature tomorrow - I want to experience some nostalgia for my childhood :)

Serendipidous Day!

2011-06-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

My interview with CBC went well this morning. Gregor was a pleasure to talk to and very respectful. I hope I was able to communicate my points in a concise and non-confrontational manner. I am looking forward to hearing your feedback after it airs. I will be featured alongside another gentleman on tomorrow's On the Island program at 7:40am.

My mum took me out to Pluto's afterwards and I got a nut burger and a vanilla milkshake to celebrate - it was delicious:) And, as we waited for our food, who but Carole James walked into the restaurant! I approached her as we were leaving and let her know I was happy she was running again and that she should turn on her radio tomorrow morning. I hope she does, because we need the political will behind our efforts to enact change.

I also ran into a librarian at the GVPL who is currently managing a mobile book unit that reaches out to the street population and he is planning on starting a bike mobile with books! I am so excited because I actually sold him MY bike last year. His plan is to bike around the city and have people flag him down to access the books in his trailer. Truly a local hero in my eyes.

I am in for the night tonight and have some homework I need to catch up on. I've been so busy that I have neglected my commitment to my therapy. Luckily, I have had more energy and am able to stay up until 11:30pm, though my brain has usually turned to mush by then. I wish I was someone who could write well in the night hours but alas, I am a morning person through and through.

Have a fantastic evening and please send feedback on what you hear tomorrow. I would like to bring your comments to my next Advisory Committee Meeting where I act as a consumer advisor to VIHA.

Oh To Be Stalked by CBC!

2011-06-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

I had such a pleasant surprise today! Well, first off, today was supposed to be my day off, a day where I could sit around and re-charge from my action packed passes. Not the case. It started off relatively relaxed. I booked 45 minutes of writing time in which to complete my therapy homework (yes, I am back to doing talk therapy again. This time the focus is on body image woes...). I managed to get two pages written and then all hell broke loose. I find it hard to turn down good conversations with my friends here, so no matter how much I intend to read and write, my social life always trumps my agenda. After a few post-lunch discussions, I snuck off to the computer to check my e-mail and was astounded to discover that CBC had tracked me down through my cousins in Toronto. After reading my article in the paper last week, they looked me up and eventually my cousins contacted my dad, who then contacted me. To make a long story short, I am scheduled to do an interview with the morning show's host tomorrow morning, which will then air on Thursday morning along with their interview with the CEO of VIHA. I am still a little in shock.

Right away, I knew I had to gather my fellow patients and collect all the feedback possible to bring to the interview. I managed to develop a well-informed mind map of what VIHA needs to do to improve Psychiatric Emergency Services. I listened to anecdotal statements from both patients and nurses and I am excited to share their stories with the rest of BC in the hopes of influencing the powers that be to create positive change.

It feels so good to be passionate about a cause again and to have the energy now to keep up with the demand. There is so much work to be done in this field and I am more than up to the task of using my ability to express myself to advocate for people unable or fearful of speaking up for themselves. I hope that in leading by example, I can inspire others to be assertive in asking for what they need from their treatment teams. It is unnecessary for anyone to feel they are alone in their fight for recovery when there are services out there with the means and ability to help them.

I better not get all fired up before I go to bed. I need to save my energy for tomorrow. I also have my own treatment team rounds tomorrow and I need a good sleep in order to be lucid while planning my own goals. I was supposed to go to GROW tomorrow, but I am opting to do the interview and then go out for lunch afterwards with my mum. I am going to buy myself a big milkshake :)

Back in the World Again!

2011-06-27T17:07:00.001-07:00

What a great day! I spent the day at GROW for the first time in three weeks. Despite being late, I arrived just in time to participate in the gardening program. We have a plot on a woman’s property about a 15 minute walk away from CMHA where we grow our own vegetables and figs. I planted Kale, Chard, and Mescaline – it felt good to have my hands in the soil again. Reminded me off the summer I gardened in James Bay and on Salt Spring at the yoga center. I lose myself in the action of cultivation that I enter that “flow” state that positive psychologists refer to when people lose all sense of time because they are at one with what they are doing. I experience a brief reprieve from my thoughts.

After a morning in the veggie garden, we passed by a perma-culture garden that GROW members are stewards of, and I learned all about the medicinal properties of the various plants and herbs. Joe is our facilitator and he is an ethno-botanist; I could spend all day listening to the wisdom he imparts. He is such an engaging speaker and has a way of making the people around him as excited as he is about the subject matter. I fell in love with the natural world again.

Gardening is considered part of the nutrition program because we harvest the products for our peers back at CMHA; so today I had lunch that was lovingly prepared by Ingrid and her helpers. I am proud to say that this was my first meal I have eaten in its entirety at GROW. In the past, they have accommodated my fears by providing me with safe alternatives. Not so now – I ate an egg salad sandwich and a big bowl of tomato soup (followed by Ensure of course). It was delicious.

I finished the day by going to Joe’s yoga class. Even though I had monkey brain and my thoughts were racing, I managed to stay the entire time and even got myself up into wheel pose. I felt a little shaky but much stronger than only a few weeks ago. I am so grateful for this admission and this chance to get healthier again.

Tonight, I am going to Movie Monday and then I am going to curl up with my book. I started Still Alive and I can’t put it down. It is immediately absorbing and I have to be careful not to lose track of where I am when I read on the bus – don’t want to miss my stop!

Tomorrow is a down day; I need a break to re-charge my batteries for another GROW day on Wednesday. It feels good to be out in the world again!

Busy Day and Ready to Settle Down for the Night...

2011-06-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note tonight as today was non-stop and I still need to eat my snack. My friend Megan is also playing her guitar for us tonight :)

I slept until my alarm today, probably because I was up until 11pm last night watching Hannibal. I got a lot of sun tanning hours logged in this afternoon while I waited to go out on my pass. I had the most amazing time at home. My roomie Christine made a scrumptious dinner and I was welcomed back with open arms. Everyone was excited to see how well I am doing and I got so many compliments on how much healthier I appear. They were astounded by how much food I can put away! Fresh salmon caught yesterday, roasted veggies, avocado, mmmm... A shame to go back to hospital food tomorrow.

I was naughty this weekend and made the mistake of replacing my Ensure with food. I got caught and am now feeling like a dog with her tail between her legs. I hope I am not sent home. I feel so much better and want to complete what I have started. I guess even in the worst case scenario, at least I am going back to a nurturing environment.

GROW program tomorrow and then Movie Monday - a great start to the week!

Radio Interview

2011-06-26T07:57:00.001-07:00

This is the interview I did last week :)

http://www.columbiancentresociety.com/prfcontent/321_june_23_2011_sm.mp3

Recession hurts kid's bookstore

2011-06-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

Recession hurts kid's bookstore

$10 isn't much - please help!!

A Day at the FernFest

2011-06-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

I woke up with a killer headache this morning but I am proud to say I got to sleep last night without my Ativan! I still needed the earplugs because of the beeping doors but I understand that the staff are trying to get this annoyance disabled. It is just one of the many technological annoyances on this new unit. Everything is so high-tech: the faucets and half the lighting are motion-sensored, the doors to the unit are locked and require a swipe card, and a button controls the shower. I feel like I am in a spaceship.

I managed to figure out how to work the washing machine after re-starting it three or four times. It is a front-loader and does a much better job than the one at EMP. I also catalogued more books while blasting my music as high as my small computer could tolerate. I have started singing again and appreciate the privacy of my private room in which to test my vocals. It’s been a while. One of the nurses dropped off two more large boxes and I have surpassed 250 books. The nursing administrator reassures me that he is trying to find space for my cart but I am skeptical – this unit is already short on storage space so I am keeping my hopes in check.

At noon, Saila and I made the trek down to Fernwood Square and had veggie dogs – a major achievement for me. I have been restricting myself up until now to a gluten-free diet but I broke free from that today and even had half of a Market on Yates flax-bran muffin. It was heavenly. I want to leave here able to be flexible with my culinary choices and comfortable eating with others anywhere. I know it is a tall order but I am confident I am up to the task.

The music was great and it was a breath of fresh air (literally) to be out of the ward away from all the hubbub. I have been smoke-free for a week now so in a way, it was a celebration of my “sobriety”.

Tonight we might watch a movie and tomorrow I will catalogue my new books and then have a nice dinner with my roommates at home. It is shaping up to be a great weekend.

Sleep Deprivation - Too Much Technology!

2011-06-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

I had an awful sleep last night. It is so much noisier here – the doors beep, the beds beep, everything beeps! I feel like I have tinnitus or something and it is driving me crazy. Also, I didn’t realize it but my room backs onto Richmond St. so the passing traffic kept me awake. I had thought I could wean off my Ativan and only take two meds but I need it now just to calm myself down at night, I get so agitated. I’m sure I’ll adapt in the next week.

We now have to wait until 8am to leave the unit in the morning. The smokers were livid – this came as quite a surprise. Everyone is used to being sprung at 6:30am. I contemplated just giving up coffee all together, and then realized how ludicrous that would be. I love my java, no qualms about it.

The weather was beautiful, though a little windy, and since there was no programming today, I sun-bathed in the small courtyard this afternoon and read. Then I took Saila to my special garden and park I always go to when I need some “me” time. Afterwards, we started our home hunt. We both really like a place we are going to see on Sunday. Crossing our fingers it works out!

I blasted some tunes and started cataloguing the books piled on my floor. I forgot how good it feels to sing. The anxious part of me lets go and I feel my whole body relax and give in to the power of the music. I hope there are some good bands on at FernFest tonight. I am tired but I am looking forward to a night out. I need some time away from this place.

On an up note, my sister is doing much better and is now a voluntary patient at Homewood. I am so proud of her for getting the help she needs. I miss her so much and am sending her sisterly hugs from my own corner of the psychiatric world. I feel like I have an ally in my fight for my life; it helps me feel less alone.

Whirlwind of a day

2011-06-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am pooped. It has been a very busy day. Starting at 6am, I have been on the go non-stop. I was showered and ready for my coffee by 6:15am. I polished it off before 7am, when we were scheduled to have breakfast. From then on it was being shuffled from the old ward, to the bus, to the lobby, then to the new unit. I finally settled in my bedroom.

What a difference! My room is huge, big enough for two beds, possibly three. I have the largest and brightest room located at the very rear of the hallway, for which I am very grateful. It is quiet and has provided me with lots of additional space for my books. I have my own bathroom and most of the fixtures are touch-less. I can control my own room temperature and I don’t have to have my shower locked at night. Ironically, even with all this space, there is no storage space for clothing or belongings. I have five small cubby holes stacked one on top of the other with no coverings in which to store all of my things. I have a decent sized desk though, which will be nice for morning writing before breakfast and coffee. The unit is locked until 7am so I will have to distract myself from my early morning caffeine jones.

The unit is divided in two sections. When you first enter the front door, there is a nursing station and a small common area with four tables and a few couches that acts as a dining room and day seating area. A flat screen TV is mounted on the wall surrounded by built in shelving for games and art supplies. Adjacent to this are both another small sitting room with another TV, and a glass enclosed outdoor courtyard with a fountain, two benches, and lavender plants. The whole area is bright and painted a pale hospital yellow. The furniture is still vinyl and institutional but the colours are warmer tones than the previous unit.

Behind the front area, to the right of the nurses station, there are a set of double doors that lead to the bedrooms. There are 15 beds on the unit. All but two rooms are for single patients. We are full to capacity (no surprise). The rooms form a U shape around a smaller nursing station located at the mouth of the U at the entrance. Behind this station is a smaller room where the meds and other medical supplies are located. All of the rooms suffer from lack of storage space but are all very spacious and bright. We have a small room with one computer and a patient phone (inconveniently located on the same table). There is another TV in this room, just in case two weren’t enough. I guess no one can squabble over what to watch anymore.

Our food arrives on trays now instead of the buffet-style dining set up at EMP. It means I don’t get to see as much of the kitchen staff. I miss Regina and Aman. I am also stuck with whatever comes up, even if it is a mistake. Vanilla Ensure was tonight’s selection – yuck. We have a small galley kitchen with hot water and a microwave, which I am thrilled about; finally, no more bugging the nurses 5 times a day to heat my milk and coffee.

I am giving myself one week to form the most objective opinion I can of the new unit before I write an opinion piece I promised to the Times. If I wrote it today, I fear my natural frustration with a new way of living would be reflected and that would be unfair. More to come...

I went on a pass this afternoon to my book club and I have a great time. It felt so good to re-connect with my peers at GROW and I am looking forward to going back next week. The conversations we have are so enlightening and profound. I walk away a wiser person each time.

Mum is coming tonight for a visit and I have been given lots of passes this weekend to go to FernFest – can’t wait!

Countdown to Move Day…

2011-06-22T18:30:00.001-07:00

They took away a red crate filled with my stuff today to take over to the new tower. I feel naked without my clothes (don’t worry, I kept a spare outfit J) and books. I took a bunch of donations home today and my room is starting to overflow with books. Saila came with me and laughed at the mountain literature hiding what used to be my bed. It’s only going to get more crowded because I have no idea whether there will be space for my collection on the unit or back at EMP. I’m going to need a bike with a trailer! It will be my makeshift bookmobile.

I had a great meeting with my doc today. I get to go to my book club meeting tomorrow, even though I haven’t read the two chapters assigned. We are starting Still Alice by Lisa Genoa. I have heard good things about it so I am looking forward to when my order comes in at Russell’s. I start work again on the 1^st and as of next week, I will be back at the GROW program three days a week. My life is about to begin anew and it feels good to be looking forward to the coming days.

Saila and I went to Cornerstone today and I picked up a schedule for Fernfest – it’s going to be a fun weekend! We caught the bus downtown and I went into work for the first time since I’ve been in. Everyone was happy to see me and it felt good to see that I have such supportive co-workers. We are like a little bookworm family and I am being welcomed home.

I am doing a radio interview with a Nanaimo radio station tomorrow at noon. The program is run by an organization called Columbia House; they help house people with mental illnesses in addition to issuing a newsletter and running the radio show called People First. I am nervous and hope I can get my point across clearly and effectively.

I didn’t have time to write this morning because of rounds and I am feeling guilty. I have this need to be productive and industrious and I feel lazy when I don’t meet my goals. I have until September to solely focus on my memoir before diving back into coursework. I want to maximize this time but I have a feeling I am going to have to be a bit more realistic and gentle with myself when I leave here and am back into the swing of things full-tilt. I need to start looking for an editor to keep me on task.

Apparently, 3B patients are in for a treat tonight at 7:45pm so I better get my butt in gear and organize my paperwork before the fun begins… Breakfast at 7am tomorrow and then move at 9:30pm – wish us luck!

When Others Hurt

2011-06-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, has today ever been busy and all over the map. I woke up to a terrifying text message saying my sister was in the hospital back in Ontario. We share similar struggles and it devastates me that she was alone last night and couldn’t get a hold of my mum and I (I shut my phone off at night and mum left hers in the car. We will never do that again…). We hope to have her on a plane out here ASAP for some much needed TLC. I miss my little sis and wish she’s bite the bullet and move out West with us gals.

By breakfast, I was already emotionally exhausted, having bawled my eyes out after hearing Cor’s sad voice on the phone. I was scheduled to have a pass in the afternoon and I worried I wouldn’t have the energy to cope with the college today. I am so glad I went to Camosun! My friend Saila and I camped out in the admin building and I discovered to my surprise that I am still on the wait list for the RN program starting Fall 2012! I thought I had dismantled my life completely last hypo-manic episode but I guess I missed a branch. Thank God I did because I now have renewed hope for my future. I plan on taking an online Anatomy and Physiology course this fall with Saila to get back into the scientific mindset. I took this course years ago and remember loving learning about the intricacies of the human body. Saila and I are also looking at sharing an apartment together close to where I currently reside. One roommate does sound more appealing than the current five, no matter how much I love each one of them.

Life on the unit is becoming hectic as we gear up for the move to the new unit. A new eating disorder patient arrived today and she is being tube-fed. It is hard to see because it brings me back to a place I had hoped to forget. I feel simultaneously sad for her and sad for my former self. My years with that added appendage were hell. I can almost feel the scratching in my back throat and the tears welling in my eyes. She looks just as sad as I did. I hope I can provide some comfort when she feels safe enough to talk to me. It’s weird being back in a role-model position as an inpatient. It makes me want to be extra positive – if I can lend her just a little bit of my hope, maybe she’ll pull through this less scathed.

I am going to visit my friend in rehab tonight to get off the unit for a bit. I hoping to get more passes this week in an effort to feel more connected to the world. I am looking forward to seeing mum tomorrow and then spending some time in Fernwood Square. If there are any spiritual folk out there, please pray or send positive thoughts to my sister. She’s a tough cookie and I know she will emerge from this a stronger woman.

Officially Sane!

2011-06-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

I was de-certified today! I am now a voluntary patient and have agreed to stay until I reach a BMI of 16.5, which is still low but high enough that I can live a healthy life. My dietician bent a little today and is letting me bring in my own snacks so I bought these really seedy, grainy, nutty gogi berry cookies. Yum. I got to eat my Hippie Bar today for snack instead of my band hospital food snack AND one of the nurses brought in Almond Biscotti – nutritious and delicious J

I did a lot of thinking about school today. Another patient and I are going to go to Camosun together tomorrow. I have decided to apply to two programs to give myself options. Camosun has a Applied Communication Certificate that transfers into a few Journalism programs at other universities. My other option is a 9-month -long lab tech program, which would pay well and allow me to write on the side. I am also going to access Disability Services this time so that I get support when I get overwhelmed and want to quit. I want to take every possible step to be successful at school this time. I am going to graduate with some kind of degree gosh darn it!

Tonight, I am going with a few gals to Movie Monday. There is a documentary on surfing playing, which I’m not all that interested in but I just want to get off the ward for a bit.

We had our first community meeting today to discuss the big move to the new unit on Thursday. I am a little nervous but looking forward to writing about how it feels and how it differs from EMP. Another opportunity to stretch my creative writing muscles.

I am feeling very hopeful today. I think I am still riding the high of yesterday afternoon. If I think too much about the future, I start to get anxious again. I remind myself to focus on the present moment while acknowledging that my long-term goals do exist and will help guide my actions in the now.

Wonderful End to the Week

2011-06-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

I survived my first day smoke-free – as of 5pm yesterday evening, I am a non-smoker. I think that’s why I was so tired today. I used to the rush of nicotine coursing through my veins. I had to take two naps! I never nap because then I can’t sleep at night, but today being Sunday, I just surrendered to sweet sleep.

Today was an awesome day. I am engrossed in a great memoir called Gaining by Aimee Liu and I had a peaceful hour before breakfast with my book and coffee. I wrote for a good hour after breakfast and relaxed all morning until lunch. Amanda and I went for a nice walk outside and it felt good to just be outside, not go out for the purpose of lighting up.

This afternoon, a good friend of mine came to visit and brought me my favourite granola bars from the cafe he works at – Hippie Bars from Moka House in Cook St Village are a little bite of vegetarian heaven. I can’t wait to ditch my hospital snack for real food tomorrow. Morgan brought his violin and came up to the ward and everyone came together to sing, dance and listen to his wonderful talent. I braved vulnerability and sang for the first time in eons in front of a live audience. One of my fave nurses and I discovered we make a great duet. We had so much fun that I am resolving to make a more concerted effort to incorporate more music and play into my life.

I am feeling positive and optimistic about this week. I feel solid in my decision to stay and work towards my recovery goals. In two weeks, I am on track and have put on 4 lbs. People are telling me I am starting to look better already. I definitely feel stronger and my mood is elevated. I can’t wait to get back to my life!

Fighting the Wrong Battle?

2011-06-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like this whole certification ordeal is out of control. I never meant for this admission to turn so negative. I look back at my older BLOGS and see how grateful I was for a bed and I am cringing at what has transpired over the past week and a half. I feel torn in two. On the one hand, I believe I am fighting for something that is right – the rights of patients to control their own recovery within reasonable limits. I feel like my demands are not unjustified. On the other hand, I recognize that I need help to recover physically and I worry that I won’t be able to be as effective at putting on weight on my own at home. The people who care about me acknowledge my principles but are telling me that right now is not the time to fight it when I am so physically compromised. I have to trust them when they say that because in my eyes, I am not that sick. Even pictures my mum took of me at this weight were not shocking enough to me – I still feel like certain areas of my body are too big.

My doctor issued a compromise to our dilemma. I will be seen by an internist who will determine if I am indeed at acute medical risk. If not, then my doctor will remove the certification. If I am, then I will stay and still have the option of a review panel. Should I even go through this? I feel like I am giving in by saying to hell with everything, I’ll stay and put on the weight and then put together a strong treatment team when I leave. I worry that I won’t be able to navigate the awkwardness between my current team and I. There is so much tension I can cut it with a knife. I don’t want to disappoint the people around me who have supported me through thick and thin. Refusing treatment would be an insult to them after working so hard to help me get here.

As I write this, it is becoming clear to me that I need to relinquish control and just focus on my recovery, no matter how physically painful it may be. When I set foot outside these doors, I will never need to see another can of Ensure again if I stick to my meal plan and work hard to stay healthy. I want to be healthy enough to continue writing and eventually go on to study journalism. I want to be healthy enough to run my library cart and to one day own a bike again. I want to have fun this summer and not worry about food, weight, or whether or not I will have a heart attack.

I still feel strongly that Western medicine needs to be more flexible and accommodating to alternative therapies. One day perhaps I can take this issue on with more force but for right now, I am no use to any cause if I can’t support my own.

I want to apologize for being so negative this week. I wanted thsi blog to be inspiring, not discouraging. I appreciate everyone's support and am recommiting to focusing on the hope and passion I spoke about at length in the beginning.

TGIF Not Applicable at EMP

2011-06-17T17:20:00.000-07:00

I am sitting at quite the table to creativity right now, To my right, my mother is reading colour theory, across from me, my friends are painting a beautiful starry landscape, and to my left, another is overseeing us all, lost in her introspection. The cook keeps giving us sly glances – I think she is worried we are defacing her tables. We could paint mosaics on all of them for all anyone cares – the patients of 3B are officially moving to the new Patient Care Center. Because of my certification, I will be moving along with them. Shucks. I see it as yet another opportunity to practice empirical journalism. The Times will get an exclusive first account of life in the new building.

I am enjoying the process of writing. It is keeping me busy and my mind active. The novel I am reading is not all that interesting but I am less than 50 pages from finishing it and I feel driven to completion. I should be able to polish it off no problem this weekend. All my gal pals are going on pass and I am already feeling the looming loneliness of the empty ward. At moments like this, I wish I was more artistic and could find solace in mindless arts and crafts but alas, my patience is limited and the hour-long art group is a stretch for me as it is. I might try my hand at collage. At least I can sneak in some trashy magazine articles while I cut.

I was given my review panel date today. On the morning of the 30^th, two psychiatrists from Vancouver will decide my fate. Win or lose, I am glad I am fighting for what is right. By next Thursday, I will be drinking 3 cans of Ensure. I want to cry knowing how distended and gassy I will be. I feel sorry for the people around me.

My mum brought me Hemp Bliss Balls for my snacks this weekend so at least something nutritious will be passing my lips. I could really go for some sushi about now but my doctor says it’s too early for me to be taking meal and snack passes. I thought he would be pleased that I was challenging my food fears. We really are on separate pages.

Visitors will be much appreciated this weekend. Sent me a message if you want to pop by!

Gearing Up for a Fight

2011-06-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

I had a mixed feeling day today. I was thrilled to see the sky clear and the sun shining. I put on my special sunshine skirt and shirt and basked in the opportunity to go outside without a jacket (finally – it is June after all!). Mum took me out for coffee at Moka House and I treated myself to a Rocky Mountain Bar (sadly, they were all out of Hippie Bars, my fave). We then went for a windy walk on Dallas Rd. and had a good mum to daughter talk. I needed it after the hell I have been living through the past 24 hours.

I have certified by two different doctors now. The certification legally holds me here for a minimum of one month. Natural supplements are no longer an option the team is willing to entertain and I had to choke down my first Ensure today at breakfast. I felt sick all morning. I have to push through – I will not give them a reason to send me to Vancouver. I received a call from legal aid today and a lawyer will be appointed to me next week once my hearing before the review board is set. I have a lot of fight in me and I hope we can build a strong case for me to take my treatment elsewhere.

I have nothing bad to say about the wonderful nurses here. They are keeping me from going totally insane. The care and support they provide were what led me to EMP for treatment in the first place. It makes me sad to think that this is not a place I can look to in the future for support. I am taking special care to build myself a strong outpatient team because I never want to get this sick again.

Tonight, I plan to visit a friend who is put up in the new tower with a broken femur. She is a feisty one and motivates me to keep going. I could talk to her for hours. She’s an older woman and imparts a lot of wisdom. I am lucky to have such a strong role model.

I officially have over 200 books in my inventory! I dropped a bunch off at home today and my bed is now covered with unfiled books, waiting for me to be sorted upon my discharge. My mum wants to partner with me and write kids books about animals with various neuroses. We had a laugh over which animals fit which mental illness. If you have any good ones, please send them along!

Major Setback

2011-06-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

My meeting did not go well with my team this morning. My attempts to re-feed with natural products were turned down and in my frustration I told them I felt like it would be best if I left and tried my own approach at home. My doctor disagreed and proceeded to "certify" me, meaning I am legally forced to stay in the hospital for up to one month. I have put in an appeal to a review board and some time in the next two weeks, myself and an advocate will be speaking with a group of outside arbitrators to overturn his decision, thereby releasing me back into the community. If granted leave, I plan to re-connect with my community dietitian and start an at home weight gain program with natural supplements. In the meantime, however, I must choke down the hospital supplement of which the main ingredients are high fructose corn syrup and soybean oil, not exactly conducive to a healthy digestive tract. I had so hoped this outcome could have been avoided. I asked only for a week long trial of one of three supplements I found that I felt were suitable, but apparently one week is too long to waste on an "experiment". My feelings are that if other patients are afforded the time to try new medication, like I was several weeks ago, why not allow food as medicine for anorexia the same trial? It is a frustrating situation and I am struggling to be hopeful today.

I am working hard in the meantime to be compliant and follow my treatment plan because the other ultimatum was a transfer to St. Paul's Hospital in Vancouver, which is a locked facility and specific to eating disorder patients. They are even more rigid in their rules and strong proponents of the Western medical view - feed em and ship em back out. One of these days, I am going to open my own holistic treatment facility that addresses the whole individual equally and does not emphasize the physical unless absolutely necessary.

I am looking forward to the distraction of the final hockey game tonight (I can't believe I've been converted to spectator sports at the expense of an evening of reading!). My mum is coming to visit and is being very supportive of my decision to take control of my health.

My goal during this stressful time is to focus on the positives in my life - my wonderful friends and family, my QiGong group every morning, my novels, my rapidly growing library, the sunshine, and the resilience of my body. I refuse to succumb to depression and anxiety. This is just one more challenge I will rise up to meet and defeat. I have a life to live!

The Big Question

2011-06-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

I was given an opportunity to seek out natural supplements today and so my mum and I trucked out to Lifestyles’ to check out their stock. I have three different products to provide to my team tomorrow during rounds. The biggest concern for me is what if they reject my proposal? It highlights a bigger question – how serious am I about being here and getting well? Am I willing to work with my team or is my eating disorder going to wage full on war until it wins and I become another statistic? Is the fight worth the loss of my doctor, or worse, my life?

The ladies I chum around with here and I had a discussion today about purpose. Each of us has a unique story of survival and each of us must ask ourselves – why are we here? What is our purpose? Clearly, our efforts to self-destruct are being interrupted, by what, to each her own to determine. I am a spiritual person and believe in some kind of higher power. I want to yell at it – what do you want from me??

Each day I am here, I am trying to titrate all the crap in my head down to who I really am APART from this illness. I wade through the muck and pick up small pieces of myself. I have a faint glimmer of the woman I could be if I was to give this illness up but the fear paralyzes me from uncovering more of her.

I fed my soul today by buying two books for 50 cents at the gift shop. I was feeling guilty for taking up smoking again (one vice at a time…) and so I made a detour post-cig to the shop not intending to buy anything but wanting to give my money to a more worthy cause than the tobacco industry. I found those two treasures and know the joy they will bring my future book clients. For every pack I buy, I should plan to dedicate some money to promoting health to counter-balance the negative health effects to the world and myself. Doesn’t make sense but it makes me feel a little better.

I am still plugging away at my novel but I am finding it hard to concentrate now that I am surrounded by interesting people to talk to. It’s the first time I’ve really stretched out the plot of a novel. It is really testing my memory. I think I am going to read something fluffy after this one. I am expecting two more people this week to bring donations, which will probably bring me close to 200 books. I will have to plan a celebration for each 100 collected. Any ideas?

Getting bumpy…

2011-06-13T17:06:00.001-07:00

Today has been challenging. My meeting with my dietitian was hard and I am feeling overwhelmed with the amount I have to eat and the lack of healthy choices for weight gain supplements. In an ideal world, I would have access to whole food based smoothies but because I am in an under-funded, privately out-sourced hospital, I am stuck with Ensure Plus, a disgustingly sweet drink that makes my heart race and feel very nauseous. I fear that the decision not to cooperate on this point could prematurely terminate my admission. I am taking it day by day.

I am also feeling disconnected from my community friends and supports. I usually attend the GROW program run by Capital Mental Health. I looked forward to the yoga and art classes, our goal group, and most of all, the book club. I’ve been away from that setting for a week and I am starting to feel alienate and sad. I also miss my work on the weekends. I am really hoping to get some passes this week to reconnect because these activities and peer group have been my lifeblood for the past several weeks.

I will be distracted from these feelings this evening by the much-anticipated hockey game and a visit from the librarian I mentioned I met yesterday. She is also bringing more books, so I am ecstatic and can’t wait to add my new titles to the catalogue. She has some really great ideas for the program so I have a feeling the game will take a backbench to our informal planning meeting.

I got to enjoy the beautiful weather today and for that I am grateful. Despite the anxiety and angst I have been feeling all day, I am holding onto the gems in my day. I continued to receive compliments on my article today, some from people I didn’t even know or who I never thought would have cared. I am glad I summoned the courage to speak out and I plan to continue to advocate for changes to this broken system. I am looking into taking a communications program at Camosun College that would arm me with the skills to work in the field of journalism. I think it would be fun to be a columnist for a newspaper or a freelancer. By focusing on building other aspects of my identity, I hope the eating disorder will start to take a side role to the main feature of my life.

Another Beautiful Weekend

2011-06-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

It was a nice, lazy Sunday on the ward today. My day started off on a sour note after receiving a shock after being weighed. I was hoping to have not put on as much as I did and it was a battleground in my head for the better part of the morning. The sun brightened my mood and I went outside and truly enjoyed the fresh air – day two smoke free and still going strong.

I was very fortunate to have a few visitors today. My mum coloured the ward with her drawings and I met two strong young women for the first time. Both of their visits were in some way connected to my writing, which is telling me that there is an uncultivated passion in the literary world that is drawing me in. Each was inspiring in her own way and I look forward to building on these new friendships as I navigate my recovery.

One of my visitors brought me a dozen more books, which I have catalogued and I am proud to announce that this donation augmented my collection to 176 books. The donor is a librarian and has generously offered to help me with the book cart project. It is hard to believe that I might be pushing my cart only a few weeks from now. Any one wishing to become a volunteer can contact me and I can put them in touch with the Jubilee’s Volunteer Coordinator. I will need lots of help setting up the reading buddy system and help managing the ever-expanding book inventory.

Overall, I had a lovely weekend and am grateful for the time spent with friends, family, and with myself. I got to know some of my peers much better and I am feeling less lonely here. I also got a lot of reading done and am excited to start the two new books that arrived from Amazon for me today – Aimee Liu’s Gaining and another compilation of inspirational essays Aimee edited. I am hoping to get some structural ideas from her memoir to assist in compiling my own. I am a total newbie at this and I remember feeling motivated and inspired after reading her hopeful account of her recovery from anorexia.

May this week bring more positive changes and more connectedness with the wonderful world around me. It is a great time to be alive!

My Life Just Got a Whole Lot More Interesting...

2011-06-11T19:34:00.001-07:00

What a day! I never realized the impact my article would have on people here and in the community. To me, it was just my attempt to put an issue close to my heart on the public agenda. I want to prevent other people from experiencing what I did in what is supposed to be a healing environment. I want to thank everyone for the support and encouragement I have been flooded with all day. I am especially honoured to have Jody Paterson highlight my article on her Blog – she is a strong social justice advocate I look up to and admire.

I was so busy today connecting to people about this issue on the ward that I totally forgot my cigarette cravings – today was my first smoke-free day and I barely gave it a thought! I am hoping that my taste buds will start to work again in the coming days and that my nose hairs will no longer be stained brown (yuck!)

I am eager to see tomorrow’s letters to the Editor. I would love to do a follow-up article and, if Christy Clarke remembers me from the time I was on her radio show during my Rally 4 Recovery, perhaps even elicit a statement from our provincial government on the state of psychiatric care in BC.

I am emotionally exhausted tonight so I am going to kick back and do some leisure reading. My brain needs a bit of a break. I feel so hopeful for my future after today. I no longer feel alone – there is a huge solidarity movement budding, I can just feel it!

Getting a Little Too Far Ahead of Myself...

2011-06-10T18:07:00.001-07:00

I am working on discovering my identity apart from my eating disorder with my doctor and the questions he asks me are hard to answer. What are my strengths? It is easier for me to pin point my weaknesses. But we managed together to come up with a longer list of strengths than weaknesses by the end of our meeting and we tied these to my desires and wishes. My biggest wish right now is to be content and at peace with myself and my body. My brain has been ripping me apart today and I feel tempted to leave early because I am too focused on the end goal weight and not on today. I tend to get a head of myself and sabotage myself before I’ve even given myself a chance. I know I need to do like AA and take it one day at a time.

My hunger is coming back with a vengeance and I notice myself turning to coffee to fill the hole in my stomach. My meal plan will steadily increase over the course of the weekend, eventually including 3 snacks by Tuesday. I won’t be complaining of hunger then. It scares me to feel a little out of control of my body. I am worried I will turn into a monster and eat everything in sight. I am terrified of becoming bulimic again. Writing and reading are proving to be healing distractions from these nasty thoughts. I am excited to see my article published in the Times on Saturday and even more excited to hear the response from the community.

The game is on tonight and mum and I are doing a bad job at pretending to watch, she reading the Globe and Mail and me typing away on my laptop. I am gearing up for my very last cigarette. As of tomorrow, I will be a non-smoker. If I get through this weekend without any major breakdown, I will feel more confident next week.

Weekends on the unit are brutally boring. I have a few visitors coming and more than enough reading to get done. I got in a good km of walking while reading one of my books today. I should start counting my laps! Apparently, this is a special talent, as everyone I pass tells me reading while walking makes them nauseous.

Now to actually watch the game – Go Canucks Go!

Getting Settled In

2011-06-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

It was my first full day on the unit today. I woke up with the sun at around 5am and tossed and turned until it was time to shower then go and get my coffee and have my cigarette. I have exactly a day’s worth left of cigs – tomorrow is my official quit day. I am going to miss my morning smoke the most. There’s something about coffee and a smoke first thing that energizes me. I’m going to have to find something else to stimulate me in the morning. Yodel or something…

I started reading two new books today. The first is a guide on how to write a memoir. As previously mentioned, I am working on a memoir in the hopes of imparting some wisdom I’ve gained in my journey through mental illness. I did a few writing exercises. It felt weird using a pen and paper as opposed to my laptop. I have gotten so spoiled by the relative ease of the keys under my fingers that my hand muscles have become weak and lazy. I broke in a new journal, feeling guilty for marring its beautiful pages with my garble. The exercises focused on writer’s block and I was amazed at how many sources of creative constipation I could hammer out in 2 pages. No excuses now that I have come clean with my propensity to procrastinate.

The other book I started is written by a physician who employs a unique approach in treating people with eating disorder. It is called Regaining Your Self by Ira M. Sacker and helps the reader cultivate an identity apart from the eating disorder. The eating disorder negatively fills a void in a person’s life and his aim is to extricate the illness and replenish the self with activities and characteristics that are inspired by passion.

I love the word passion. It invokes a feeling of hope and optimism for the future. I can’t wait to get to the meat of this book and start identifying all the things I am passionate about (books are a given).

I fared better than I thought I would today anxiety-wise. Getting used to being more sedentary has been a challenge. I miss my walks along the beach. I am allowed four 10 minute “fresh air breaks” and one coffee run first thing in the morning. Otherwise, I am stuck on the ward. I have gotten good at pacing and reading – the cleaning staff and I have an understanding around how we share the hallway space.

I will likely need to add more food to my meal plan tomorrow and surprisingly I am ok with this. I was a little hungrier today than I have been. Could be because I didn’t use any sweetener or salt on my food – it’s au naturel from here on out.

I am still fully engaged in my fictional novel but I admit it is hard juggling three different books at a time. I admit, I mapped out a reading schedule and have been sticking to it religiously unless a better offer comes along (like a few surprise visits I had today from friends – thanks).

I haven’t been here 24 hours and I already have two book orders from my library. Thank goodness for mums – she is my runner and is bringing in the first shipment tomorrow afternoon. I have been casually making the rounds, letting people know that I’m the hook up to good books. I have a few people curious but no bites yet.

Tonight, I am going to plug away a bit more at Sacker and then dive into my novel. I am also watching Fugitive Pieces – I needed a DVD fix for the more anxious hours in the evening. I have forgiven myself for seeing the movie before reading the book. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to stay sane.

And I'm In...

2011-06-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

I finally got into 3B. No stop at PES. I am very lucky. The restlessness is already starting to creep in though and I am missing my long walks. This is going to be tough. I met with my dietitian and we were able to set up a meal plan I feel is manageable for the time being. I am also not alone - a few friends I met in here during my past admission are repeat offenders like myself. It's been nice to re-connect. Within my first hour here, the head nurse asked for book recommendations - a good sign. I think I brought a dozen and of course, I brought my library inventory on my computer. I may just start my project prematurely.

The hockey game is on so there is no lack of entertainment. Not much of a hockey fan but in the absence of anything else to do, I might conveniently pop on the bandwagon.

Quitting smoking is going to be brutal, I can tell already. But I promised myself I would. I also stopped using Splenda and put honey in my tea. This admission will be a detox from nicotine, sweetener, salt and caffeine. I really want to emerge from here clear-headed and ready to live my life more fully.

I am excited to have an article published in the Times either tomorrow or Friday. Keep a look out! In the meantime, I took out some books on memoir writing so I am going to slowly plug away at my life story in the hopes of having a rough draft done at the end of the summer. Let's hope captivity inspires creativity.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

2011-06-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

It is official - I am going into the hospital sometime tomorrow morning. Could be the ER, could be the ward. Either way I don't care. I am ready to take the next step towards getting my life back on track.

Having the weekend and first few days of this week to essentially pass time before going in reminded me of all the reasons I don't want my life to be dictated by my eating disorder. I bathed in the sun, took in some great literature, wrote more than I have in years, and spent quality time with the people I love most. I even went out to eat two nights in a row - a major accomplishment (and a nice change from my usual anorexic gruel).

I don't care how many times I have to walk through the EMI doors, I will kick this thing in the ass. 15 years is more than half my life and I have so much more I want to do! I am excited to launch my mental health library project (I got more donations today :) and I am scared but ready to write my memoir. I went to the library today and took out a few workbooks to jog my memory and help me put my thoughts together in a way that will impact and inspire my readers. In fact, a small excerpt will be published in the Victoria Times Colonist at the end of the week. There is no going back now!

I hope to keep up with my blog and my writing while I am in. I might drop off the radar if I end up in PES but I promise I will be back and in full swing up on the unit. I will have a lot of free time on my hands now that I will no longer be able to roam around the city aimlessly, jumping from coffee shop to coffee shop. I'll tote my laptop around with me like a security blanket and turn to my writing when times get difficult, which they always do, especially in the beginning.

Visitors would be very welcome so if the idea of a psych unit doesn't give you the heebee jeebees, please feel free to drop me an e-mail and come by for a chat. I can use as many muses as the universe allows!

Oh the Anxiety....

2011-06-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

I had my hopes set high for a bed in Eric Martin today. So, I went through my day as if it were to be my last, knowing what I do about life on a psych unit. I woke up early, showered, and positively savoured my first cigarette and coffee (I am quitting by the way - only 3 packs remain and I have promised myself they will be my last...) I ate my breakfast on the front porch while I read my new novel. I tried not to count down the hours until I got the much anticipated phone call from my shrink announcing that there was a place for me to start my healing journey. I stayed in the moment and managed to get some writing done. By mid-morning I trekked down to Cornerstone and met a fellow consumer for coffee number three. It was such a gorgeous day and a crime to be inside, so I convinced my buddy to bring his violin to Beacon Hill Park and he serenaded me while I ate an obviously anorexic but tasty lunch. By noon, we were are Cook St. Moka House downing more Java and my friend bid me goodbye since he is very high functioning and had to work. I luckily ran into an old acquaintance and spent some time catching up. So much happens in just a few short weeks and since the last time I had seen this fellow, I was heavier and happier, he gave me a huge bear hug and I internally promised never to allow my hypomania to get in the way of my friendships. (As an aside, the last time I was in an upswing, I thought I was just fine on my own thankyouverymuch and proceeded to wipe out all of my online profiles and smash my cell phone down an elevator shaft. The quaintness of Victoria is forgiving and I have managed to resurrect most of my relationships by simply bumping into the people I have grown to miss). I became aware of the time - only 30 minutes before my scheduled phone call so I hit it in high gear and booted it home just as the clock struck 1:30pm. 15 minutes later I am huffing on a cigarette and I feel my blood pressure rising. Maybe he forgot? Maybe he doesn't think I need a bed anymore. I must have looked perkier last visit and he decided I could hack it out on my own. By 1:50pm I am panicking and just before I try to have him paged, he calls. The news is not good. There are 8 unfortunate people stuck in PES (the psych ER) waiting for a bed and I would only be joining the tail end of the queue. It would be best if I waited another 24 hours. We would reconvene at the same time tomorrow. Good day and goodbye.

I am speechless. My bags are already packed (I have packed and unpacked them at least four times), my goodbyes have been said. I was a sitting duck all afternoon only to learn that my patience is going to be significantly tried at a time when my anxiety is nearly through the roof. How did I end up in this place again? After 15 years, you'd think I'd know better and not be so naive.

I am grateful for having lived more mindfully than I usually do and so I'll take this silver lining and apply it to the rest of the upcoming days of uncertainty. There's obviously no rush so tomorrow I'll do more of the same (though I think I might drink a little less coffee - that might be why I am still vibrating after 9pm). My encounters today leave me feeling comforted with the fact that I have a strong and expanding support system for when I am in hospital and for when I get out. Now if only some funding for new beds would materialize - THAT would be a great ending to my day.

Another Glorious Spring Day

2011-06-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining, the air is warm, I am am positively giddy with optimism. Today is going to be a good day, regardless of the outcome. I woke up before my alarm and was out on the deck with my coffee and cig before 8am. I finished my latest book and have now started Tropic of NIght by Michael Gruber. I was immediately sucked in. It is a tale of African sorcery and murder set in both West African and Florida. Each chapter leaves me on the edge of my seat, eager to read more. I love the adrenaline rush I get from reading a gripping novel.

I need this infusion of positive energy today because I am waiting anxiously for a phone call from my doctor to tell me whether or not there is a bed available for me on 3B. I am so grateful to have had the weekend free from the confinement of the hospital. I spent most of it outside surrounded by nature and in the company of my closest friends. I feel refreshed and ready to take on the now less daunting task of getting my health back in order. I figure if I can't exercise my body while in hospital, I will exercise my mind by reading voraciously and writing my memoir. I'll also be able to dedicate more time to planning the launch of my book cart come fall. I managed to score another bookshelf on Sunday and it is already half full! I took a tour of the new tower where my program will be enacted and I am pleased with the wide hallways - no fighting for space with the cleaning crew. Patients also have their own work station right in their rooms, so those who wish to read in silence and concentration can do so at their leisure.

I plan to dedicate a few hours each day to writing in my blog and writing chapters of my book. I will be required to abide by a rigid treatment protocol, which strongly emphasizes rest after meals. I am almost relieved that I am forced to sit during these times because otherwise I would miss out on an opportunity to exercise my flabby creative muscles. I think this will prove to be my most positive and productive admission yet.

Addictions Come in All Forms

2011-06-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

I have a very addictive behaviour. I latch onto things and they become incorporated into my routine. It's a sneaky little phenomenon. I notice it most when there is in interruption in my usual way of doing things and then I get irritable and start to panic. Take coffee for example. As of late, I have been drinking 4 coffees a day. I drink more coffee than I do water. I crave my cup of joe as if on cue every 3-4 hours. It is the first thing on my mind when I get out of bed in the morning and I even go so far as to preset the coffee maker the night before so all I have to do is roll out of bed, push the button and my elixir of life is ready for me when I am out of the shower and dressed for the day. A day begun without coffee is unfathomable. And it's not even real coffee that I consume. I use enough Splenda to render the beverage unrecognizable. I am also ashamed to say that I am hooked on cigarettes. While I am committed to quit sometime this month, I know that the first one one in the morning paired with my coffee is going to be a killer to give up. My addictions shift depending on how healthy I am. I once had a moderate approach to exercise but pretty soon, four days at the YMCA became seven and I was hooked on the rush I got pushing my body to the limits. Mt day revolved around which fitness classes I was going to and my relationships became second fiddle to my need to control and sculpt my body.

So how to get rid of these pesky personality leeches? How to fill the void? Will I ever be able to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine without a cigarette dangling out of my mouth and a steaming mug of coffee at arm's reach? My one healthy addiction is my need to read for at least 2 hours a day. This activity fills me up spiritually and deep down I know that here is where the solution to my problem lies. When I wake up, I will look forward to a few hours of peace and quiet on the deck reading before I start my usually over-scheduled day. An addiction to Bronte or Salinger is certainly preferable to slowly poisoning my body with carcinogens (though it is brutal when the main character is a chain smoker. I had to stop watching Sex and the City just because Cary Bradshaw used cigarettes as an accessory much like a purse). The key is balance so after I read I plan to take another hour to write and then meditatively walk downtown to my appointments of the day. Cold turkey for cigs is doable but the coffee addiction will have to be titrated while I find other ways of generating the energy I get from the caffeine. Loose leaf tea was suggested to me the other day. Here is my chance to be adventurous and step outside of the box. A trip to Silk Road is in the imminent future.

What are your addictions? Do you think you could go even one day without succumbing to their firm grasp? What can you use to fill the void? What purpose do they serve anyway? Are you even aware of them?

Awareness is the first step towards making positive changes. Today I will practice mindfulness and work hard to slowly reduce my dependence on outside sources to calm my inner angst and harness the skills I have within me to resist temptation.

Sleeping Beauty

2011-06-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up to the sun at 5:30am this morning felling drugged and cotton-headed. I had to augment my already heavy dose of sleep meds with another mind-numbing benzodiazepine. I have suffered from chronic insomnia for years now and find myself, once again, struggling to fall and stay asleep. I take enough medication to tranquilize a horse at night just to induce slumber. It's an addiction I want desperately to kick. I know from talking to my friends that I am not the only one who struggles to relax at night. Is it because we are too stimulated during the day? It seems that the second my head hits the pillow, a variety of to-do lists start to form and I worry about my productivity and ability to get everything I need to get done done within a finite period of time.Various sleep hygiene behaviours have been suggested to me and, after persistent experimentation, I have come up with a few tricks that work for me most of the time.

1. No Caffeine after 4pm otherwise I am all wound up with nowhere to go

2. Power down at least half an hour before bed - this means turning off the tv, cell phone and computer, Anything that stimulates the brain.

3. Keep reading out of the bedroom - otherwise reading becomes associated with sleep and next thing I know, I are dozing off in the middle of the day reading my latest novel.

4. Drink a hot, un-caffeinated beverage - I find drinking warm liquids calming. A glass of warm milk with a pinch of cinnamon will do the trick too.

5. Turn the lights down - bright lights will only aggravate you further. I have a soft lamp that I find soothing and still provides enough light for me to do my crosswords puzzles which brings me to my next tip

6. Do crossword puzzles - I do them until I feel my sleeping meds kick in. I love crosswords because they take my mind off of my ruminations and by the time I have done 2 or 3, I am pooped and fall asleep pretty quickly thereafter.

So these are what have been working so far. Because of my health, I have not been able to exercise as much as I used to, which I know helps sleep so it is good for me to get outdoors for short walks just to get my blood pumping, clearing the toxins and refocusing my mind. Walking helps me relieve anxiety, which in turn helps me sleep and focus better on my reading.

If all else fails and I take more drugs and wake up grateful for another day.

I wish you all sweet dreams :)

Lovin the Book Club

2011-06-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

I just joined a book club and I am thrilled with the weekly meetings we have - they are truly one of the highlights of my week. First of all, I am forced to read books I would not otherwise read. I am usually a contemporary literature person. I once put myself through a rigid classics reading list and felt so depressed reading Faulkner that I decided life was too short to read books that make me feel gloomy and forlorn (I would never have made a good poet). Now since I work in the fiction department of a books store part-time, I enjoy reading the best-sellers because it gives me something to connect to my customers. I always feel a bit embarrassed when asked if I have read any of the recent prize winners or top charters and give them a blank look like "does that book actually exist?" So I now carefully select my books to create conversation pieces and to provide something I can genuinely suggest with an opinion. Book choices are so subjective but some people rely heavily on others, especially book retail staff, for their reading choices. When I joined the club, the tables turned and I ended up being the recipient of a book suggestion. Both books we are reading are non-fictional books, a genre I have not delved into for eons, and they are real mood boosters. I already mentioned The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. We also just finished A.J. Jacob's The Guinea Pig Diaries, which I found to be witty and refreshing. His adventuresome tales allowed me to indulge in my own fantasies about radically changing my life for short periods of time just to see what could happen. Then there's the group itself. Sitting around chatting with a diverse mix of strong women with varying viewpoints allows me to engage with the literature in a whole new way. I love hearing the different perspectives on the same passage. It goes to show how unique yet similar we all are. I can leave the group and re-read parts we discussed and feel like I am reading a whole new book. Also, we come up with questions ahead of time and have great dialogues about major themes and how they apply to our day-to-day lives and the world at large. We are an action-oriented group and make goals for the coming week to report back on the following meeting. This week, we are focusing on happiness in relationships. This one is a toughie for me because, though outwardly I appear a social butterfly, I am actually quite a private and introverted person. I am a person of many acquaintances and few close relationships. My task will be to look at those close relationships and see how I can improve them and to look at my larger social network and perhaps see how I can branch out a little more (going out after dinner time is always hard for me. I pick my pjs and a good book over most social engagements, a main reason why I have been single most of my life...)

We are coming to the end of this session and have to start looking at our next book to read. I walked into Coles the other day and was overwhelmed with the amount of great books to read this summer. I felt like a kid in a candy store - thank goodness I left my wallet in the car. If anyone has any suggestions, fire them my way because I am way too indecisive when it comes to making literary choices. I usually just read whatever pops up next on my long hold list at the library (they are mostly bestsellers so I am like 200th on the list and it is always a welcome surprise when I am finally called). I am thinking something biographical would be neat, something inspiring that would allow us to life vicariously through the character and try to incorporate some lessons learned into our life skills tool box. We are so fortunate to live in a country that houses an infinite supply of great reading material. I am feeling particularly blessed today as I sit comfortably in Cornerstone cafe with my latest read on my lap and a coffee in my hand.

Have patience...

2011-06-02T21:15:00.000-07:00

Now that I know that I am being admitted to EMP, I am finding it hard to contain my anxiety. My life is in limbo as I wait for "the call" announcing that my bed is ready. The one thing keeping me grounded is knowing that no matter where I am, as long as I have a book to read, I am ok. I pack a day pack every morning no matter what. Staying cooped up inside my house is never an option. Even on the crummiest of days, I truck my sorry self down to the library or to one of my favourite coffee shops (Cornerstone in Fernwood, Koffi at Haultain Corners and Moka House at Fort and Richmond are my java junctions of choice). There's something about wandering around like a nomad with nothing but a book to sustain me that makes my day worthwhile. I am excited for warmer weather this weekend and plan to spend every minute before my incarceration with my nose in a book or with friends and family out in nature.

This blog has also inspired me to write again. At first it was overwhelming to even think of putting prose together but I found that even just a few minutes of free flowing thought on paper was liberating and soul cleansing. I am not out to get published (though that would be nice). I just want to set down some stories before my memory becomes rusty and I lose touch with the emotions I felt at the time. I have never considered myself a writer but recently some important people in my life have been encouraging me to test my creative abilities and venture out of my comfort zone. Why is it that those of us who yearn to write seem to read the most and write the least? I have committed myself to writing for at least 15 minutes a day, even if it;s about absolutely nothing of substance. I just need to exercise some lazy muscles. I hope, as with fitness, that they will spring to life and I will start to write without looking at the clock and just lose myself in the process. I am hoping my writing saves me from going insane with anxiety and trepidation as I wait for a bed...

Forging New Territory

2011-06-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

The subject of this blog stemmed from a recent program I developed the last time I was an inpatient in the local psych unit. I had been committed because I was experiencing a low in my bipolar depression and suicide was very much in the forefront of my thoughts. I felt hopeless and reluctant to forge ahead with life. One day, I was sitting on one of the unit's ever-so-comfortable vinyl sofas complaining about how bored I was. A nurse took notice and plunked herself beside me and proceeded to read me the local newspaper. The information went in one ear and out the other but I enjoyed her companionship and her attempt to connect with me through a medium I once enjoyed. After a while, she turned to me and said "Tara, what would you be doing if you were feeling hopeful and enthusiastic about life? What makes you feel passionate about life at all?"And the first thing that came to my mind was "I was would be using all this free time to gobble up good literature". Much to my surprise, I started ranting about how antiquated and paltry the book selection was on the ward and that, in in ideal world, I would buy a book cart and start a mobile library, thus installing myself as the unit librarian. I have always harboured a deep wish to become a woman of books, however my failed attempts at completing a bachelor's degree convinced me that this would never be possible. Well, this nurse squashed that fallacy right then and there. She encouraged me to draft a proposal of my dream job to the head of the nursing department to see if it was a viable enterprise. I laughed thinking "yeah right, who is going to take the daydreams of an involuntary psych patient seriously?" Well, before the day was out I had the entire day staff AND head of the nursing department cheering me on, saying that my idea was long over due.

Fast forward to the present day and my proposal has been approved and my book cart purchased. I now have over 150 titles in my book collection and the donations are only starting to come through. The best part - I feel passion again and I am reading with renewed energy. I can't seem to put a book down. I am motivated by the notion that the more I read, the more I will know how and what to "prescribe" to my future clients. A few months from now, my dream really will be realized.

I write this on the eve of yet another upcoming admission, this time for my low weight. However, this time I made the decision with my team to go in and that in an of itself is hopeful. I have a concrete and realistic goal to work towards and when I am feeling stronger, I will embrace my new role as the psych librarian as a means of helping both myself and others in our road towards health and wellness.

I did a google search of the term "bibliotherapy" and discovered that this is largely uncharted territory in academia. Perhaps there is a future for me in this discipline and it took a few years and bumps along the way to awaken to my true calling. I might just go out and buy some geeky glasses to celebrate...

I Think Therefore I Am... Not

2011-05-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

All day long, I listen to my thoughts telling me I am everything negative under the sun. I am weak, I am stupid, etc. And gullible me automatically transforms them into aspects of my identity. As of late, I have not been looking my physical best. Point blank - anorexia is kicking my ass and I am submitting more than I should and more than I know I am strong enough to fight off. I think anorexic thoughts all day, so it is only natural that when people ask me what is wrong with me, I answer "I am anorexic". But I, me, Tara, is not anorexic. Yes I have anorexia but just because my thoughts are monopolized by this disease, it doesn't mean I am my illness. A better way to phrase my response would be "I struggle with anorexia" and my identity is composed of umpteen other neuroses, quirks and quarks, that make me the wonderfully unique, albeit often dysfunctional, person that I am.

One of the wonderful things about books is that aspects of our identity are revealed to us through the characters. I am reading Major Pettigrew's Last Stand right no. I consider myself a left-of-center, progressive thinker but I can't help but sympathize with the protagonists loss of traditional family values and honour to more modern ways of living. I try not to cringe in shame when Globe and Mail's columnist Margaret Wente writes an article I actually agree with. In the same way I accept my anorexia as being a small part of what makes me me, I surrender myself to the small c conservative notions I harbour despite my dedication to voting NDP.

Learning to love the "shameful" sides of myself takes away their power and adds to my eccentricity as a person on earth like no one else. Perhaps by radically accepting my anorexia as a character trait that, when channelled more positively, could actually do me good versus harm, I will cease to play alchemy with my thoughts and just let them be what they are - thoughts. Characters don't magically climb through the pages to strangle or maim me: why should my thoughts be any different?

Seeds of Change

2011-05-31T09:33:00.000-07:00

I was inspired to start a blog by a book my book club is currently reading - The Happiness Project. I have always struggled with creative constipation and wished I could write down all the stories I have accumulated over my short but well-lived life. I figured that by setting aside some time each day to reflect on my thoughts, the writer within me might be released.

My motivation for doing this is two-fold. First, as I mentioned, I would like to get some of my life down on paper just to validate my existence. But more importantly, I want to document a project I am beginning which I am both very proud and very grateful for.

I have been struggling with anorexia for 15 years and more recently bipolar disorder. I was hospitalized not to long ago against my will and was told by my medical team that I could leave when I had something to work towards and be hopeful for, something to take my mind off of the various different ways I planned on ending my life. I wracked my brain for anything that sparked a glimmer of passion and discovered that over the one constant source of pleasure in my life has been my ability to lose myself in a book. No matter how sick I got, I always had one or two books on the go and the mere curiosity of wondering what was to come was enough to keep me alive one more day.

The ward I was on had a paltry collection of pocketbooks that were dated and falling apart. It was abysmal. I starting thinking about how much fun it could be to have a little book cart that would circle the psych wards and provide literature to people in hospital, something to take their minds off of whatever pain had brought them to this place. My dreams of being a librarian had been squelched by my inability to stay in school long enough to complete an undergraduate degree. I though, why not create my own job as a librarian for the mental health unit at the hospital. I knew it was a grandiose idea (that did not stem out of mania I might add) and I was convinced I would be laughed out of the common area when I brought it up to one of the nurses. You can imagine my shock when she became even more enthusiastic than I was and even offered to help me draft a proposal to nursing management for what I decided to call my "Bibliotherapy" Program.

Since then, support has been cast from all sides and my small idea has grown into a full scale project due to begin when the patients move over to the new Patient Care Center. Donations have been arriving by the box-full from both friends and nurses and I can barely keep up with the shelving and computer cataloguing.

This program has so much potential. I want to use this blog to track its progress and to get others involved in making literature more accessible for people struggling with mental illness. I will be looking for "reading buddies" for patients who struggle with reading or who are just looking for someone to chat about what they are reading (or about anything at all really, it's the companionship and relationships built that matters most). Given that I am still not at my best, I am hoping this project will help me further my own recovery by connecting me to others and connecting me to the inner passion I know I have to live my life to its fullest despite my mental illness.

If anyone reading this blog has any suggestions or donations, please feel free to contribute. This is a whole new experience for me and it feels good to look forward to waking up every day knowing that I might make a small difference in the life of someone else.